I have thought about coming and writing everything down here several times over the past couple of months, but every time I think about it I convince myself not to because I believe I have put my emotions in a room and locked the door. It has been a rough couple of months, and I know I continually say things are rough, but I can't help it, its true.
It is hard to believe that two days after my last post, my dad passed away. My mom called me at work and said that when dad woke up that morning, he said he felt weird, like something was wrong. They discovered that he started bleeding internally and that he didn't have much longer. Most of my family had all ready come to town to see him, so it was nice to have everybody there. My aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins. He got to see everybody, and he knew we were all there for him. He slept most of the day, but talked a little bit. My mom stayed right by him the whole time, holding his hand. We all went to bed around midnight. My sister, mom and I all crawled into their bed so we could sleep near dad (He was on a Hospital type bed next to theirs). I woke up around 5 when my mom got up, and it was quiet, way to quiet. She went and got my Aunt and Grandma who are both nurses, and they listened for breathing or movement.
I miss my dad every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't cry enough or think about him enough. I don't really feel like I have blocked the emotions, but I am starting to think that I just automatically do it. Death has always been a scary thing for me to think about and now its like I can't think of anything else. I believe in God, I have faith, but every now and again I wonder. I find myself praying and hoping that there is indeed a heaven and that my dad is there. That he is somewhere, and not just a nothing.
My dad was an amazing person, and I am not just saying that because I am the lucky one who got to be his daughter. I am saying that because any person who met him will tell you. He joined the military when he was 17, when he was 18 he met my mom (she was 20). They got married within months of meeting each other and spent the next 31 years as in love now as they were in the beginning. Even after he got sick, he did everything he could for my mom. Buying her flowers at random times, always opening the door for her, etc. All my life he was working. He went to work early and came home late. Would go on training missions or deploy. Most of my friends never saw him because he was traveling and working so much. To people looking in thats how it seems, but to me, I have no memories of him being gone. When he was home we were camping, going to the movies, playing softball in the yard with friends. He only worked so hard so that his family was taken care of. He was a giver, no matter what the situation was he would go out of his way to help his family or friends. Even till the end he was this way, never complaining. Mom said that he kept apologizing when they told him he didn't have long, he was worried about his family and not himself.
I don't understand why someone who dedicated his life to protect not only his Family, but America had to spend the last few years in constant pain. I do find happiness knowing he isn't hurting anymore, but for him to be taken from this earth early and to miss out on so much is not fair.
I miss my Dad, I miss the vacations we could have taken, the moments he had with my son, the person he was. I miss our family sitting in the living room telling jokes and laughing so hard we cried because we were telling stories from the past. I miss him quoting movies all the time and making us guess which one it was. I miss everything!
Check out this video for a a quick recap of his amazing life..
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