Emotional Confusion

Emotions are always a hard thing for me to write about. I am starting to think it is because I block them, like it is my way of just not dealing with whatever is going on. This, of course, is not the case when I am angry, that emotion always finds a way out. I am talking more about the sadness, being scared, depression, etc. Everybody always tells me how strong of a person I am and that they could not do what I do, but they never really know what is going on on the inside. I don't feel like a strong person.

Here goes...

I had been with the same person from the time I was 19(which was 2004) till December of 09. Our relationship started out great, as most do. We got married in July of 07, separated in December of 09, and our divorce will be finalized in January 11. I do know when we started having problems, I remember when I knew we weren't going to make it, and I remember when he stopped trying all together. I put a lot more effort into our relationship than he did, I knew that getting married was a commitment and that you try and make it work through the good times and the bad. Once we separated and he moved away, I started realizing a lot about myself and how self conscious I became. I am not a confident person, not even close, and while I do not blame all of this on my ex, he did play a good portion in it. Thinking back, he never told me I was pretty or beautiful. All I ever heard were his "joking" comments. For example, I would saying something along the line of "Bleh, look at that shirt, it is ugly," to which his response was "Yeah, your face is ugly." Gentlemen, this is not a nice thing to say to your wife, even in a "joking" manner. I mention these points because me being self conscious has brought on a lot of other emotions a long with it. When I am out in public, I never look into peoples eyes. I am always looking down, I also never focus on conversations I have because I am always thinking that they are staring at my teeth or my neck, or something crazy. I do not like myself, and I hate that. I hate that when I put myself on a diet I can't stick to it.

Let's move onto the next emotion that I block, Fear. There are a lot of things that contribute to this and I am not to sure where to start, I guess with the most recent?

My dad has cancer, and most of the time I just try not to think about it, but trying not to doesn't really work. I find myself wondering about weird little things, like what if he doesn't get to see a movie he wanted to or finish a book he was reading. I don't even like talking about it, because then I guess I will have to feel something. I am scared that he won't be here next Christmas, I am scared that my mom won't be okay after he goes. I am just scared, and sad and pissed off. My dad just turned 51. 51! He joined the military when he was 17 and has been a part of it ever since. He worked SO hard his entire life to make sure his family, us, was provided for. I still have not met another man who has loved his family as much as my dad loves us. He doesn't deserve to spend half of his days in pain, to not be able to eat normal food, or miss out on family time because he is asleep from the chemo. I HATE it, and I hate that I automatically choose to block out the feelings then to walk around crying all the time, which I do end up doing at home. When I am by myself and thinking. I cried before bed last night because I am scared and sad and worried. My dad spent his entire life making us happy and he gets this in return? How is that fair?

I cannot continue on this topic, at least not today, because I am not wanting to tell people at work why I am crying in the middle of the day. Writing down my emotions is one thing, I don't express them to my friends or co-workers.

I know talking about these things will help, but it is hard.

Hello Friend

I have come to the conclusion that time flies way to fast. It has all ready been four months since my last blog update, which to me, is crazy. A lot has happened in such a small amount of time that I don't know if I will be able to fit it all into one post, but I shall try.

Most importantly, the person I love most in this world turned the big O-N-E. Here is another great example of the whole time flies bizz. He is becoming such a handsome little man and I am torn between wanting him to grow up or stay young forever. I love this phase he is in right now. The too scared to walk, learning to high five and jibbering at random objects. Sometimes I just sit and watch him with a huge smile on my face because he is reading a book and pointing at the pictures. I am in awe of his genius and it makes my heart swell with the things he is learning. Sometimes I feel like crying because I love him so much. which may seem weird to non-parents, but once you have a kid you should know what I mean.

His birthday was amazing. Surrounded by loving family and friends. My friend Jamie is very crafty and after seeing her make the cake for her sons birthday, I was inspired to do the same. I, of course, did seek her help in the process. Overall his cake came out amazing, minus the small flaw with the back of my elephant, but who looks at the back of the cake? Right?

Logan's dad surprising flew out for the occasion. I say surprised because even though he "wants" to be a part of his life, he hasn't shown much effort thus far. It was his first time seeing him in over 10 months. Luckily, the visit was not awkward and he was able to enjoy his time here, even after serving him with divorce papers, oops!

He was actually very reasonable about the whole thing, which was nice. I still think it was because of the tail he is chasing back home, but thats not my business anymore. He signed everything I purposed while he was here, which means we do not have to go to court. He started paying child support in October and I was granted full custody of Logan. It is nice to have made a decision and have gotten everything settled. It is time to start living fully again!

Logan and I have finally moved into our own apartment. We are on a tight budget, but it is so worth it. Logan loves all the freedom and I love watching him crawl circles around the kitchen. I was able to find a cute Christmas tree for $30 and got a few ornaments for it. My mom decided to let my sister and I pick out ornaments from our childhood tree, so that helped fill mine up a bit. It has made the apartment feel more festive as well as brought a little bit of home to it.

I have my fingers crossed in hopes I will get a nice camera for Christmas. I did not specifically request one, but Santa can be a mind reader occasionally. I have been following a blog since last January and am always really inspired to start photographing my life. If you are in need of a little inspiration, She never fails to dish it out.

So much more to say, but not enough time. Work is calling my name....

A turn for the....Better?

I have been crazy giddy lately. Why you ask? I got a raise at work. Given I am still making way less then I should be, but its enough to get my own place.

Can we all say, "Thank you baby Jesus."

I will be forever grateful for the help my parents have given me this past year and a half, but I think once you have reached a certain age and have all ready been "settled" once before that living with your parents will just drive you crazy.

I am so looking forward to having mommy son time. Without having my mother look over my shoulder for everything that I do. It gets really old getting asked 20 questions when she gets up in the morning about how he slept, and what did he have for breakfast. Last night she questioned why I was putting cereal in with his dinner. She also proceeds to tell me how he spends his days and was kind of routine he has. Hello, do I need to wear a name tag that says "I am the mom" on it?

I could probably rant all day about living with my parents, but I refuse to. I am in a pretty good mood today.

I am going to look at a townhouse today. Fingers crossed that it is nice. I still do not have a definite move in time, but hopefully once I find the place I want to live it will help me get all of that figured out. First item on the list though is to close on our house. The bank came back with a counter offer, so to me that means they are going to accept it as a short sale. I am hoping to get news today.

On a cuter note, here are some new pictures of my Logie bear. I finally got my camera charged, but for some reason I don't think the pictures come out any better then the ones on my phone.

Family vs. Friends

Why does it seem like everyone has to take sides? I am feeling so lost and hurt lately and have no idea what I should do. A good portion of my family is standing behind Sean, giving him encouraging words, etc. I am glad that nobody hates Sean, but they also don't understand what he did that got us in this situation. My issue with them doing this is that they have yet to support me, not verbally anyway. I am assuming it may be because Sean makes comments to the world seeking attention, so in return they feel sorry for him and try and help him out. Sean is playing the victim role, which makes me the bad guy.

I just don't understand how someone can hurt his family like that and then play the victim card. He sits over their complaining to the world and says that I'm mean?

An example:

Two days ago I get a call from our realtor saying your grass is getting a little over grown and isn't looking to hot. Can you send Sean over their to take care of it or I have a guy I can send over. I text Sean asking if he can try and get the grass mowed soon as it seems to be getting a little crazy. His response " Ummm thats not my problem we don't live there and I can't bring the lawnmower over cuz it wont fit in my car."

This ofcourse made me mad! As always I have to handle everything because its not his problem. We BOTH own this house and just because we don't live there right now and its under contract that its not our problem anymore?

My friends have my back 100%, but thats because they know the full story. My family doesn't, and that is for the sake of Sean. He is lucky they don't know and its like he is using it against me. But still, shouldn't MY family have MY back?

Rules

I got in the habit of counting the stairs in our house once Logan came home. It was my easy solution so that I wouldn't fall while carrying him, and it has worked. I go down 4 stairs, hit the landing and then go down another 11. I am always counting them, even if I don't have Logan in my arms. This was a rule that I gave to myself, and this morning I forgot to follow it, and boy did I learn my lesson. To make this story less scary, I was not holding Logan at the time. When he is in my arms or anywhere near me, my rules never falter.

It was 5:45 AM and I was heading downstairs after getting dressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked it on to catch up on all the Facebook updates I missed while sleeping. I really wonder what High School would have been like with smartphones and Facebook. I made it down the first 4 stairs without a hitch, I didn't even realize I wasn't counting. I start heading down the last 11 steps, and it seems I miscalculated where the bottom was. If I had been following my rule, I would have realized I was on step 9 not 11 when I assumed I was at the bottom. Next thing I knew I was falling forward arms flailing, the ground getting closer, then bam. Floor contact. Both of my parents were awake for the incident, luckily I was hidden behind the banister so they didn't witness my crazy stunt, but they definitely heard it. My arm was pretty sore and red around the wrist. I don't remember it smashing into anything, but it did. I was also happy that I was wearing my protective eye ware as it smacked against the banister on my way down. I did survive, no broken bones or war wounds, but I did have a pretty good laugh about it once I got in the car.

I love Fridays. They bring happiness. Almost like the excitement of Christmas Eve, almost. Today I was greeted with a beautiful Washington morning. I love it here.

It is like a little piece of Heaven. The rain, the fog, the water, the trees, its perfect.

Even the bug smears on my windshield in the last picture. Hopefully today will be a good day.

Happy Friday.

Update time...

Logan had his 6 month check up last Thursday. She said he is healthy and perfect, but she did mention the term cerebral palsy which still has me a bit freaked out. I mentioned that Logan likes to cross his ankles whether he be standing or sitting. It is not all the time but pretty frequently. Apparently, this is a sign of cerebral palsy in premature babies. Logan was not a premie, so she checked his ankles, knees and legs to make sure everything seemed okay, and it did. She said worst case is he might be pigeon toed. I know she was just ruling everything out, but I wish she would not have mentioned these things to me. I don't want a list of "what if's" I only want to know if there is actaully an issue. Now I feel like I am worrying about something that probably is not even going to happen. I like his pedi, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.




Went out with the girls on Saturday night and had a blast. I really need to work on being less whiny and learn to enjoy myself more. I let my emotions get the best of me to often. Thank goodness I have two amazing friends who I honestly could not live without. Moving back to our girls night, We went to a bar at the mall and had a few drinks. It was pretty slow there so we decided to head out and look for another bar. We had heard that one of the local bars was pretty hopping so we stopped there, as soon as we walked in a creepy older guy was just staring at us, and wouldn't stop. So we all had a restroom break and decided we didn't want to hang around, so we headed over to an irish bar and finished off our night there.

Got some great pictures out of it!

A lot of crap has been going on at work lately, but I refuse to vent about it on here. If I did, thats all this blog/journal would ever be about. I will say that I am still upset with my sister and have been going on a week now. A situation was handled completely inappropriately and until an apology is made, I don't think I will ever let this go. I am not someone who doens't forgive. I am talking to her and treat her as I normally do, but when something bad happens and it never gets resolved I do remember it. I am also not somebody that is going to request an apology, she needs to realize when she is in the wrong and do it all on her own. It was not entirely her fault and I realize that. Now lets see if this situation affects my review, and if it does, I know for a fact I will not be able to hold my tongue.

You know your a mom...

When you start getting overly excited about a new car seat. I have been having a lot of these
"You know your a mom" moments lately. I now fully understand why my mom never does anything for herself. Given, she has gotten better now that my sister and I are older, but she still holds back on a lot. I ordered Logans new car seat on the 10th and it is finally getting delivered today. His first big boy car seat. My baby is growing up so fast.

We went to the fair yesterday with Georgia and had a blast. I got to try Elephant Ears, which are apparently a very hot item. Fair food has changed a lot from when I was younger. At least that I remember. I might have just blocked it all out because all I ever wanted were funnel cakes.

Logan was such a good boy the whole time. Oh, it is insane how much I love that kid. He is changing so much everday. I wish I didn't have to work so much so I could be with him more.

Phew...

I don't consider myself an artsy type person, but when I get motivated to do something I usually end up going crazy with it. My blog for example. I have been attempting to keep one going for years now, and have yet to be successful, but as I said in an earlier post I am determined! There are so many other blogs that I love reading on a daily basis as I seem to be living vicariously through them. I use it as an escape from my life and the stresses that seem to be weighing me down.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I realized the other day that I am not happy with where I am in my life right now. I am constantly stressed, depressed and the big one, pissed off. I am mad at everything, with the exception of Logan. I know that hormones can be out of whack after you have a kid, but come on now! Go back to normal. I am not going to lie and say I didn't have these same feelings before I got pregnant, but right now that are like multiplied by 100. With everything I have been through this past year I deserve to be happy, and instead of sitting around pouting I am going to get off my butt and make it happen.

Anyway, new blog format done! It is staying like this, I will not allow myself to play with it anymore.

Growing Sprout..

My little guy is growing way to fast. I have mixed emotions about this. I am looking forward to the walking and talking stage, but also a bit concerned about it as well. A part of me wants Logan to get a little bigger and another part wants him to stay little forever. Him getting bigger also means that I am getting older, which I am not so excited about. Here is an example of my growing strout...

Sitting! We are still mastering this skill. Logan has discovered that falling over it not so much fun. Exspecially if mom got distracted by the TV and I hit something on the way down. It is amazing that you can look away for a nano second and return to a baby toppling over. Even if you are sitting with your legs around him to lessen the blow.

Crawling and walking will come next. Logan is determined to be as mobile as possible so sometimes I wonder if he will skip crawling all together.

On a side note, I am never satisfied with things I come up with. For example, my blog design. I dislike the name and the format. I will be making some changes to them and I will MAKE myself leave it like that permanently. I am on a mission to be more creative, I also want to try my hand at photography, but I am not holding my breath on that one. Most of the pictures in my blog thus far have come from Camera phones and I just did my silly little changes to them, but it's a start.

Check out this gummy grin! I really am blessed with how stinking cute my kid is. He is my heart.

What is normal anymore?

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions have gone back into place since having Logan, and other times I feel like I want to scream and pull my hair out. I wish I was a naturally happy person, but instead I feel like I am this rude crazy person who nobody wants to be around. I have my two best friends that really help balance me out, and I am always in a great mood when I am around them, but when it is just me I feel like exploding. I know there are a lot of things going on in my life that are effecting my mood, but why am I letting them? Everything, and I mean everything makes me mad or frustrated.

I used to think I was a person that never had many emotions, but I am starting to believe that I may have more then I originally thought. My main one being anger. I hate that I am mad all the time. I wish there was something I could do to be different. Sometimes I wish I were somebody else entirely. Which sounds horrible. I love my family and friends, and I love my son more then anything in the world. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but me, I would trade myself in instant. There are so many things that I need to work on and I have no idea where to start.

So Scary!

I love to watch scary movies. Even the cheesy ones. I have always been surprised at how much I like them, as when I was growing up everything scared me. Now days, it takes a really good horror movie to give me the creeps. It seems; however, that while the movie does not scare me as I am watching it, it seems to make me pretty paranoid when I start walking around dark areas of the house or when I leave for work in the morning.

This morning, for example, I left my house at about 5:45 am. My neighborhood is very quiet at this time. No interior lights are on, and I rarely ever see anybody else. I take the very short walk to my car and right as I am about to unlock it, a garage door starts opening down the alley and a car begins to pull out. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I unlocked the door so fast and dove into my car where I proceeded to lock the door behind me. Now, unless this neighbor was a crazy serial killer, my actions were pretty silly. I usually end up just giggling at my cowardness and imagine what would really happen if my scary early morning neighbor were actually a serial killer. I don't think I would stand a chance!

When I arrive at work, the lights are turned off. I am the only person who gets to work at 6 am, and am by myself until the others start trickeling in at about 8. I had asked whoever is the last to leave for the night to make sure to leave the lights on as I am always freaked out in the morning. Everyone did the standard "eye roll" but agreed. I unlock the door and proceed to take the stairs to the upper floors of our building where my office is. About halfway up, I freeze. What was that noise? I stand there for about a second so I can hear things more clearly and realize it was just the rain hitting the side of the building. Phew, that was close! Yeah, not really.

I am going to blame my recent actions on the movie "Paranormal Activity." This movie is one that gave me the creeps while watching it. I would recommend renting it, and maybe, just maybe I will start seeing more posts like this one. But until then, I am on the lookout for my next scary movie.

Bring it

My mommy site has decided to have a "Hotter then Summer Weight Loss Challenge" that I have decided to partake in. I am and I WILL suceed in losing some weight. I created the banner for everyone, and I must say, It came out awesome.

I have become obsessed with this picture editing site. I am sure there are better ones out there, but this one is free and lets me do pretty much everything I know how to. I am not really all that crafty, although I have considered possibly attempting scrap booking and photography. So we will see how that goes. I am tired of being a lazy butt when I get home from work. I want to have energy to do my laundry, take the dog for a walk, clean up the house a little. Instead, I currently get home from work, snuggle with my bean and play for a little bit, give him his bath and night time bottle and he is off to bed. Then I either watch my shows or read until I pass out around 9. I am no better on the weekends. No wonder I can't lose any weight.

Short sale

It is that time again where we are going to try an attempt at selling our house. The market is crap right now so the realtor's recommended we do a short sale. Which I think may be the best option. Yes, we are obviously not going to make any money off of it, and will most likely end up still owing, but I would rather this happen then end up having to foreclose on the property. We had renters in it for the past year, and we could have continued to rent it, but we are struggling even with the renters there, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Sean told me a couple weeks ago that he was probably going to get laid off from the Bakery. I have every intention of separating our bills, because I make enough to cover my expenses, but I have been trying to get everything caught up before this happens. Of course, I am not going to be able to do this if Sean is laid off. He lived in WA with me for a year and never got off his butt to find a better job, so I don't have high hopes in him finding one there. All he seems to do is give himself a pity party about how nothing ever works out for him and says he is stupid. I hate this attitude. Life is what you make it, if you want to have a good job and make more money, go and get it! He is not stupid, he just needs someone else to make all of his decisions. I told him I am not going to that anymore. I have way to much to handle right now then to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

There I go, off on another rant. I better end it here before I think of something else to complain about.

Running away

I want to run away. Away from this crappy thing that I am calling my life right now. I want to take Logan and start over. I hate being stuck living with my parents, I hate that my marriage is in shambles and that my "other half" is not helping me in anyway besides telling me, "I am all ready giving you my entire paycheck." He apparently is oblivious to the fact that I am paying ALL of the bills, so ofcourse you are going to give me your paycheck. Doesn't help that he spends whatever money he wants when he wants to, which in return causes me to fall further behind on our bills. I HATE that I am a month behind on our mortgage, credit cards, cell phone, insurance and car payments. I hate that my credit is so shot that even in the off chance that I may be able to get my own place in the next year I wont be able to get approved for it. I HATE that I am not appreciated at my job. Yes, I may not have been the best person to work with when I was pregnant, but I work my ASS off. I didn't take my 6 weeks maternity leave that I, by law, could have taken, I worked the week I had Logan and every week there after. Did I get noticed for that, NO! I got the smallest raise out of everyone at the last review because of my communication. Do my bossess see that I make litte to no mistakes, which is a pretty big deal when your title is "Accounting Manager," no they don't. They see the small select few mistakes I make and remember it for review time. I am not perfect by any means, but I deserve a lot more appreciation then I get.

I don't hate my life, I just hate where I am in my life right now. The only good thing I have going is my baby boy, and I thank God for him everyday. I also want to note that I appreciate my parents and for helping me. I only hate that I am stuck there, I am a grown women and need my own space.

End Rant. For now anyway.

My weekend...

Was spend working. Blah! Not my ideal weekend, but after missing 4 days of work last week and a high car payment on the horizon I didn't have much of a choice. I will give myself credit for the amount of hours I worked both days. Usually if I come in on the weekends I get maybe a couple hours here and there before I quit and go home, but I worked 12 hours on Saturday and 9 hours on Sunday. At least now the car payment can be made!

After leaving work on Sunday I ran to Target to pick up some rice cereal and a couple thick liquid nipples for Bean. We are gonna try some of that to see if it helps with the diarrhea, which has not yet stopped since he got sick. Then I went and hung out for about an hour with Ally. I kept thinking while I was there that I can't believe she is actually here. I love the fact that I can call her and say, "Hey, I am by your house," to which she replies, "COOL, wanna stop by." I have been stuck in my house and work pretty much the whole time I have lived here, aside from my few escapes up to Puyallup to hang out with Georgia. She definitely made the move and adjusting SO much easier, and I don't think I would have survived like I did if I had not met her.

Now I am back to work for the week, and I am sooo exhausted.

There is no Falangee?

Yes, that really is my blog name. I am so not creative enough to come up with something witty or intelligent. So, for those of you who do not watch Friends the quote comes from none other than Miss Phoebe Buffay.

I am an avid Friends watcher. I own all 10 seasons on DVD and watch them constantly. I even giggle if a commercial comes on showing the next Friends episode. Lame? Maybe, but when I am having a bad day it cheers me up in no time.

Birth Story...

This is about 5 months over due, but I have yet to write it down anywhere else, and as the months pass the events get more blurry.

My due date was October 16, 2009. Three weeks before my due date, I went to the Doctor for my normal weekly checkup. It was my first internal exam and I was pretty excited to see if I was all ready progressing. Come to find out, I was all ready 3 cm dilated. Doctor stated all we needed now was to wait for the contractions. Another 3 weeks pass by and not even one contract, that I could feel anyway. I went in for my last Doctor appointment before my Due date, which was on a Friday (my appointment was on Tuesday), still only dilated to a three and not much else going on down there. After the appointment, my Doctor said we would go ahead and plan for me to be induced the following Monday, October 19, 2009. If you had read my other posts, you will see this was indeed the day Logan was to be born. I had not felt any contractions before my induction date so I was still oblivious to how they felt. I was told to call the hospital 2 hours before the induction time to ensure they had room. I was to be induced at 8:30 am. I was so nervous and excited, but also worried that when I called they would tell me they didn't have room and I would have to wait. That morning I woke up at 6 to make sure I was awake and alert enough to call at 6:30. My parents were all ready awake and I was in a shy mood so I hid in the bathroom when I called so nobody heard me. My stomach jumped when they said "Oh yeah, come right in we are ready for you." I took a couple deep breaths and told myself "This is it, this is what you have been waiting 9 months for." Logan is my first, and for the entire 9 months I fanticized about what he would look like, how his cry sounds, etc. It also never felt real. I was never able to picture myself pregnant and when I got pregnant I couldn't picture myself as a mom.

My mom was scheduled to has a hysterectomy the same day so she was not going to be able to be in the delivery room with me, so my sister promised to be there. She met us at the hospital at about 8:20 and we all went in together. I checked in, and they took me to my birthing room. I stripped down and got into my nice little hospital gown and waited for the nurse. She came in around 9 and got me hooked up to the IV to start the fluids.

My mom came in and said Hi before she had to check in upstairs. My dad arrived shortly after as well to say Hi. My sister and dad were going between floors to check on me and my mom. It was not so fun for them to have us both in the hospital. At 10 the nurse came in and started me on pitocin to get the contractions going. For the next hour I started to feel slight cramping but nothing serious. At 11 the on call doctor came in and broke my water to see if we could speed things up. I would say that about 12 to 1 I started having steady contractions and they were getting stronger and stronger. I was dilating pretty quickly so we were positive it was not going to take too long. I hit 7 cm at I would guess around 2 and decided to get the epidural. Contraction pains are pretty much just really bad mentrual cramps, and I honestly believe I would have been able to do it without the epidural if I had not been induced. Because I was induced I had to sit in bed the entire time to be monitored which to me made it much harder, because when you are just sitting there the pain is all you can really focus on. When I was able to sit up for the epidural and move around a bit, it really helped. The epidural did help the pain tremendously but it did not work completely as I still felt every contraction and had to breath through them. I was actaully pretty happy about that because I wanted to experience as much as possible. I started feeling a lot of pressure, it felt like I had to take a really big poo. Sorry for the TMI, but it's true. I was fully dilated and ready to push at about 4:30. I startd with practice pushes. While doing these the nurse kept leaving the room, which we thought was funny. She was getting everything ready for baby, and would come in and check my progress every couple of minutes. I pushed for a total of about 1 hour and Logan Scott was born at 5:23 pm on October 19, 2009. As soon as he came out, they put him on my chest. He was very warm and I just hugged him and said, He is real! It was an amazing moment and even now it seems like a distant memory, almost like it never happened. He was perfectly healthy weighing 8 lb 5 oz and 20.5 inches long. My perfect baby boy.

Emotions, what emotions?

It has been 5 months since I had Logan, and I still feel just as emotional as I did when I was pregnant. Well, maybe not AS emotional but pretty darn close. I know my co-workers have seen a change as I am not biting their heads off everyday anymore. Little things still seem to get me going though, either in a good way or a bad way.

Having a baby really opens up your heart in many amazing ways. Before I had Logan I would watch "A Baby Story" and other shows that had to do with having kids (I had really bad baby fever) and it would just make me really want a baby but never really brought on any emotion. Now that I have Logan and I watch those shows I always end up crying. It amazes me everyday how much more my heart is growing as he gets older. Yesterday he was napping when I got home from working a 12 hour day, and when he started to stir I leaned over to say Hello and he gave me a small smile and reached up and touched my face. He just stared into my eyes with his hands on my cheeks. I live for these moments. When nothing else in the world matters but your adorable little boy.

Logan has been sick the past few days. I came down with a mild case of the stomach flu on Monday and my poor baby caught it. He started throwing up on Tuesday. It only lasted until that evening, but that is also when the diarrhea started. He was such a good boy through it all, but his poor mommy is so over poop. He seems to finanlly be recovering from the diarrhea, and I have my fingers crossed for confirmation on that when I get home from work.

Oh how things have changed.

If you know me personally, you know my life has gotten a bit hectic over the past year. It seems I never run out of things to complain about. The best way for me to get things off of my chest is to write about them, as it seems nobody can ever see things from my point of view. My family always tries to give me encouraging words and so on, but all I want is for some sympathy. Somebody to say Hey, you know Anna, I understand completely and I agree that it is total crap. I am going to say I will be giving a brief summary of my life this past year, but it is a lie. I don't think there is a way to summarize it all in a few short paragraphs. I could always break them out into different posts so it doesn't seem as long, but whats the point. It will all get said eventually.

Where to start.....

Two and a half years ago I was a newlywed, I had a great paying job (notice I didn't say I loved the job), we owned our own home and had a bunch of little fur babies. We were settled, happy. We decided on our honeymoon that we would stop using protection and let things run their course. We had been together for 3 years prior to getting married so we were ready. We returned home from our honeymoon and settled into our nice life. Our weekend consisted of mowing the lawn, washing our cars, hanging out with friends. Everything was peachy. A year pasts and still no news on the baby making. No worries, it will happen when it happens. Sean (my husband) started making comments about us moving. He was feeling that he wasn't going anywhere at his current job and didn't think Colorado was where he wanted to be. I was scared, I had lived in Colorado the majority of my life. It was home. My dad being military, the family was spread all over. My sister was graduating from college in WA state so we flew down so be there. A few months after got home Sean mentioned again that he wanted to move, so I said okay, if you want to move the only place I would consider moving to is Washington. Fast forward a couple weeks, my sister calls and says her work has an opening for an administrative assistant job and she recommended me. Her bosses were so happy with her they called me for an interview and hired me on the spot. Sean and I discussed it and decided we were going to take the plunge. Within 2 weeks I had quit my current job, packed up the house and fur babies and began our journey. Our house was put up for sale, but because of the economy it was on the market for 9 months before we decided to try and rent it out. We were hurting really bad financially. I took a $6 pay cut to take this job, which was a huge concern for us, but we reviewed our finances and knew that if Sean transferred with his current job and then looked for a new one we would be okay. Turns out his job wouldn't transfer him. He ended up working for Kraft foods stocking shelves at 6 in the morning. He hated it! Because our house was on the market so long, we ended up staying with my Aunt in Tacoma. This I believe is where the trouble started.

We moved into my Aunts house in October 08, by February I found out I was expecting with a due date of October 16, 2009. A few months after I found out, we discovered my dads cancer had come back and they gave him 2 years. Because of his situation, the Army agreed to PCS him to WA so he could be close to my sister and I. They bought a house and Sean and I moved in with them. Now that our house was being rented we had more of an income coming in, but we had gotten behind so much that we were having trouble getting caught up. During this time, Sean and I began fighting more and growing more distant. To me it seems that he only wanted to be physical. He threatened to leave me when I was few months pregnant because I never wanted to have sex anymore. He apologized later that day and said he needed to work on some things, but we continued to spiral downward. I tried so hard during this time to make him happy, if he wanted something I would do my best to get it for him. I believed that no matter how much we fought we would get through anything. He kept making comments about wanting to move back to Colorado, and I kept ignoring them thinking it will get better. I refused to move back to Colorado because for one, I all ready packed up my life once and moved for him. I settled in, and now that my dad and mom moved here I couldn't imagine leaving. Logan was born on October 19, 2009. He is the love of my life and nothing means more to me than him. I still tried to rekindle my relationship with Sean but he just wasn't accepting anything I would do. He constantly said he was depressed and hated his life, etc. Then I saw a message on his phone from his ex-girlfriend (this is a whole other story) about how they talk about sex all the time and he said he wanted her titties. I hate that word by the way. I brought this up to him and he just kind of ignored it. I chose to ignore it as well, and figured I would try harder. I kept asking him to stop talking to her as she does not need to be a part of our lives and he never really said that he would. The holidays roll around and on Christmas he spent more time with my younger cousins than he did me. On Christmas Day, I had just had my first period in almost a year, it leaked all over my pants and I was just insanely uncomfortable. After my parents and sister left, I started packing up Logan, and then get a rude response from Sean saying, "We are leaving?" My reply, "Well I want to." The younger kids and my uncle's were all going bowling and he wanted to go. That was so far from something I wanted to do. After a few little spats I said Go. I felt like a complete ass because he made it seem like I didn't want to be around my family. My aunt said she would take me home, but I refused to make her drive me 30 minutes home. I would wait for Sean. They were supposed to get home by 7:30 PM, but decided they were going to play a few more games. They didn't get home until almost 9, at which point, Sean comes in and starts talking to the kids again. I sat there for maybe 10 minutes waiting for him to get ready to leave when he decides to go upstairs and play Xbox. Seriously!! So I go up there and say can we please leave, his reply, "Oh you want to leave.?" Seriously!! Things seemed to get a little better after that until I pulled up my computer to get on Facebook and saw some messages between him and someone I know. Curiosity got the better of me and I read what they were talking about. I won't go into detail, but it was inappropriate for a married man with a kid to be saying. I said, why are you talking to her this way. He seemed quit shocked that I had seen it and didn't make one comment. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was so disgusted and hurt by it. I could not just ignore it so I went and talked to my mom about it. Sean was not happy that I did this and he thought my parents would look at him differently. He decided and I agreed that he should leave. He packed up all his stuff at 12 that night and left, he said he didn't want to face anybody.

Fast forward to now, 3 weeks later. He is really sorry for what he did, he wants us back and will do anything it takes. I was so hurt after he left, I couldn't believe what he did. Technically he wasn't cheating but how long would it have been before it got to that point. After he left, I did start seeing how unhappy we were and how many things bugged me about him, that before I accepted and that now drive me insane. I have been so much happier without him and I realized I may love him, but I don't want to be with him. He is trying so hard and it makes me feel bad because nothing he can do will change my mind. I don't know how I will tell him that I don't want to get back together. I know that I shouldn't feel as bad as I do because he is the one that did this, but it is almost like I will look like the bad guy for making the decision.