Logan's Birthday went well. He made out like a bandit and seemed to have enjoyed himself, well aside from the incredibly scary life sized Mickey. My only disappointment was the absence of my best friend. When she RSVP'd she mentioned that she would be late. I did have his party on a Sunday which means it is a football day, so apparently they had invited a lot of friends to the bar to watch the game and couldn't just not show up. I do remember telling her weeks in advance when his party would be. Anyway, I was slightly hurt that the game seemed more important to her, but at least she was still planning on coming. Well, she didn't come. I didn't even get a "Not going to make it text" or anything. I didn't hear anything from her until half way through the day on Tuesday. She didn't even say sorry, she just asked how it went. I didn't feel like bringing it up, so I just said it went well. I know it seems silly to be mad about it, she probably doesn't even realize how important it was to me for her to come. It's hard for me to even explain why it was here.
On a different note, I did finally hear from Sean on the day of Logan's party. He asked how his birthday went and asked if we got his package. He mailed it to the old apartment, but my lease isn't up until the 31st so I can still get mail there. When I asked where he sent it, I of course had to explain that I moved. A couple days later his mom messaged me on Facebook asking about my move and if I had moved in with Steve. If this was information I wanted to share with my ex-husbands family, I would have kept them as friends on Facebook. I do not know why she has such an interest in my love life, but it is not ANY of her business why I move, or whom I move in with. Oiy, having an ex family is so irritating and stressful!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Two years...
Where does the time go? Logan turned two a couple of days ago. How in the world do I have a two year old? He is such an amazing kid. He is constantly talking, does sign language, LOVES Mickey Mouse and Cars and is always fist bumping ( we call it knuckles) with everyone. I love being able to see him grow and develop his own personality.
We are having his birthday party this Sunday. It has been awhile since the Family got together so I am really looking forward to it. We didn't hear from Sean at all for his Birthday. I am not really surprised since he never even asks how Logan is doing. The only time I hear from him is because he is throwing a fit about Daycare costs or child support. I feel bad for Logan. It isn't fair to him. I don't like that Logan will grow up not really knowing who is dad is. I would prefer that Sean either be around or not be around at all, I just wish he would decide what he wants to do. The next time he decides to make an appearance, Logan will have no idea who he is, and it's not like I hide who he is from Logan either. Sean's mom has even stopped asking about Logan. She used to comment or send messages about his pictures or what he was doing, but then it just kind of stopped. I went 6 months without hearing a peep from her, and then the minute I start dating somebody new, I get a message saying that she is happy for me and that she hopes to meet Steve someday and that she hopes its good for Logan, because its all about Logan and his upbringing. Really? I am pretty freaking positive that I do whats best for my child and his upbringing. Maybe she should work on teaching her son to be an adult and be responsible instead of spying on my life and trying to tell me whats best for my child. I may have taken the message different then how she meant it, who knows. I just don't really understand how everybody can be so chill with Sean, like what he is doing is perfectly normal. I even like how they make me the bad guy. I could probably rant about this stuff forever, so I will move on.
New Relationship, yes it finally happened. Some people told me it was to soon to start dating, others said it was about time. Personally, I didn't even think about men or dating until Logan was one and a half. Which is still over a year from when Sean and I split. Whether it was the right time or not, I am happy. Extremely HAPPY! I met Steve, and from the very first day we hit it off. I tell him everything, I can act goofy and stupid in front of him and it all feels completely normal. He makes me feel beautiful and loved. This is what a relationship is supposed to feel like!! I am myself 100% with him and it is amazing. Logan loves him too. I love seeing them together. It is still weird to see somebody who is not Logan's dad treat him like a dad should, and I like that Logan has a male role model to look up to. After my dad passed away, he was surrounded by females and that can't be good for a little guy. :o)
I feel like my life is finally falling into a steady pace, where I am happy and content. Well aside from work drama and stress, but that never changes.
Until next time...
We are having his birthday party this Sunday. It has been awhile since the Family got together so I am really looking forward to it. We didn't hear from Sean at all for his Birthday. I am not really surprised since he never even asks how Logan is doing. The only time I hear from him is because he is throwing a fit about Daycare costs or child support. I feel bad for Logan. It isn't fair to him. I don't like that Logan will grow up not really knowing who is dad is. I would prefer that Sean either be around or not be around at all, I just wish he would decide what he wants to do. The next time he decides to make an appearance, Logan will have no idea who he is, and it's not like I hide who he is from Logan either. Sean's mom has even stopped asking about Logan. She used to comment or send messages about his pictures or what he was doing, but then it just kind of stopped. I went 6 months without hearing a peep from her, and then the minute I start dating somebody new, I get a message saying that she is happy for me and that she hopes to meet Steve someday and that she hopes its good for Logan, because its all about Logan and his upbringing. Really? I am pretty freaking positive that I do whats best for my child and his upbringing. Maybe she should work on teaching her son to be an adult and be responsible instead of spying on my life and trying to tell me whats best for my child. I may have taken the message different then how she meant it, who knows. I just don't really understand how everybody can be so chill with Sean, like what he is doing is perfectly normal. I even like how they make me the bad guy. I could probably rant about this stuff forever, so I will move on.
New Relationship, yes it finally happened. Some people told me it was to soon to start dating, others said it was about time. Personally, I didn't even think about men or dating until Logan was one and a half. Which is still over a year from when Sean and I split. Whether it was the right time or not, I am happy. Extremely HAPPY! I met Steve, and from the very first day we hit it off. I tell him everything, I can act goofy and stupid in front of him and it all feels completely normal. He makes me feel beautiful and loved. This is what a relationship is supposed to feel like!! I am myself 100% with him and it is amazing. Logan loves him too. I love seeing them together. It is still weird to see somebody who is not Logan's dad treat him like a dad should, and I like that Logan has a male role model to look up to. After my dad passed away, he was surrounded by females and that can't be good for a little guy. :o)
I feel like my life is finally falling into a steady pace, where I am happy and content. Well aside from work drama and stress, but that never changes.
Until next time...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Its been awhile..
I have thought about coming and writing everything down here several times over the past couple of months, but every time I think about it I convince myself not to because I believe I have put my emotions in a room and locked the door. It has been a rough couple of months, and I know I continually say things are rough, but I can't help it, its true.
It is hard to believe that two days after my last post, my dad passed away. My mom called me at work and said that when dad woke up that morning, he said he felt weird, like something was wrong. They discovered that he started bleeding internally and that he didn't have much longer. Most of my family had all ready come to town to see him, so it was nice to have everybody there. My aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins. He got to see everybody, and he knew we were all there for him. He slept most of the day, but talked a little bit. My mom stayed right by him the whole time, holding his hand. We all went to bed around midnight. My sister, mom and I all crawled into their bed so we could sleep near dad (He was on a Hospital type bed next to theirs). I woke up around 5 when my mom got up, and it was quiet, way to quiet. She went and got my Aunt and Grandma who are both nurses, and they listened for breathing or movement.
I miss my dad every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't cry enough or think about him enough. I don't really feel like I have blocked the emotions, but I am starting to think that I just automatically do it. Death has always been a scary thing for me to think about and now its like I can't think of anything else. I believe in God, I have faith, but every now and again I wonder. I find myself praying and hoping that there is indeed a heaven and that my dad is there. That he is somewhere, and not just a nothing.
My dad was an amazing person, and I am not just saying that because I am the lucky one who got to be his daughter. I am saying that because any person who met him will tell you. He joined the military when he was 17, when he was 18 he met my mom (she was 20). They got married within months of meeting each other and spent the next 31 years as in love now as they were in the beginning. Even after he got sick, he did everything he could for my mom. Buying her flowers at random times, always opening the door for her, etc. All my life he was working. He went to work early and came home late. Would go on training missions or deploy. Most of my friends never saw him because he was traveling and working so much. To people looking in thats how it seems, but to me, I have no memories of him being gone. When he was home we were camping, going to the movies, playing softball in the yard with friends. He only worked so hard so that his family was taken care of. He was a giver, no matter what the situation was he would go out of his way to help his family or friends. Even till the end he was this way, never complaining. Mom said that he kept apologizing when they told him he didn't have long, he was worried about his family and not himself.
I don't understand why someone who dedicated his life to protect not only his Family, but America had to spend the last few years in constant pain. I do find happiness knowing he isn't hurting anymore, but for him to be taken from this earth early and to miss out on so much is not fair.
I miss my Dad, I miss the vacations we could have taken, the moments he had with my son, the person he was. I miss our family sitting in the living room telling jokes and laughing so hard we cried because we were telling stories from the past. I miss him quoting movies all the time and making us guess which one it was. I miss everything!
Check out this video for a a quick recap of his amazing life..
It is hard to believe that two days after my last post, my dad passed away. My mom called me at work and said that when dad woke up that morning, he said he felt weird, like something was wrong. They discovered that he started bleeding internally and that he didn't have much longer. Most of my family had all ready come to town to see him, so it was nice to have everybody there. My aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins. He got to see everybody, and he knew we were all there for him. He slept most of the day, but talked a little bit. My mom stayed right by him the whole time, holding his hand. We all went to bed around midnight. My sister, mom and I all crawled into their bed so we could sleep near dad (He was on a Hospital type bed next to theirs). I woke up around 5 when my mom got up, and it was quiet, way to quiet. She went and got my Aunt and Grandma who are both nurses, and they listened for breathing or movement.
I miss my dad every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't cry enough or think about him enough. I don't really feel like I have blocked the emotions, but I am starting to think that I just automatically do it. Death has always been a scary thing for me to think about and now its like I can't think of anything else. I believe in God, I have faith, but every now and again I wonder. I find myself praying and hoping that there is indeed a heaven and that my dad is there. That he is somewhere, and not just a nothing.
My dad was an amazing person, and I am not just saying that because I am the lucky one who got to be his daughter. I am saying that because any person who met him will tell you. He joined the military when he was 17, when he was 18 he met my mom (she was 20). They got married within months of meeting each other and spent the next 31 years as in love now as they were in the beginning. Even after he got sick, he did everything he could for my mom. Buying her flowers at random times, always opening the door for her, etc. All my life he was working. He went to work early and came home late. Would go on training missions or deploy. Most of my friends never saw him because he was traveling and working so much. To people looking in thats how it seems, but to me, I have no memories of him being gone. When he was home we were camping, going to the movies, playing softball in the yard with friends. He only worked so hard so that his family was taken care of. He was a giver, no matter what the situation was he would go out of his way to help his family or friends. Even till the end he was this way, never complaining. Mom said that he kept apologizing when they told him he didn't have long, he was worried about his family and not himself.
I don't understand why someone who dedicated his life to protect not only his Family, but America had to spend the last few years in constant pain. I do find happiness knowing he isn't hurting anymore, but for him to be taken from this earth early and to miss out on so much is not fair.
I miss my Dad, I miss the vacations we could have taken, the moments he had with my son, the person he was. I miss our family sitting in the living room telling jokes and laughing so hard we cried because we were telling stories from the past. I miss him quoting movies all the time and making us guess which one it was. I miss everything!
Check out this video for a a quick recap of his amazing life..
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
26 years...
Twenty-Six, Man I am getting old. These past 26 years have been a mixture of happiness, sadness, confusion, complete and utter joy, and Love.
First loves, first heart aches, friendships made and lost, long distance moves, babies, divorce and the long road of discovering who I am. This past year has been one of the hardest and most stressful years I have ever had. You really do not know how strong of a person you are until you have to experience a million different emotions at once.
I have a feeling this year will also turn into one of my worst years. I still hold strong hopes that things will change, that my Dad will stop hurting and get stronger. The Doctors don't seem to think that will happen though. They say he has 6 months and I am SO scared that they are right. He spends all day upstairs in his bed. They have him attached to a pump so he can press a button when he starts feeling to much pain. They decided to set him up with a hospice nurse so he doesn't have to go to appointments anymore. I can get away with working all day and not thinking about it, but at night, when I am alone, its all I can think about. I can't stop crying most of the time, or get any sleep. I have a great family and I know I could go to them for comfort, but I feel like I need to be strong in front of them. Sometimes I even feel like I am not being sad enough.
I know I have said it over and over again, but I really HATE this. It is not fair. I want Logan to be able to remember his Opa, to remember what a strong man he was and to learn to be a gentleman from. If he grows up to be at least half the man my dad is, I will be SO happy.
I don't know what the next 26 years are going to give me, but I hope I learn a few things a long the way.
First loves, first heart aches, friendships made and lost, long distance moves, babies, divorce and the long road of discovering who I am. This past year has been one of the hardest and most stressful years I have ever had. You really do not know how strong of a person you are until you have to experience a million different emotions at once.
I have a feeling this year will also turn into one of my worst years. I still hold strong hopes that things will change, that my Dad will stop hurting and get stronger. The Doctors don't seem to think that will happen though. They say he has 6 months and I am SO scared that they are right. He spends all day upstairs in his bed. They have him attached to a pump so he can press a button when he starts feeling to much pain. They decided to set him up with a hospice nurse so he doesn't have to go to appointments anymore. I can get away with working all day and not thinking about it, but at night, when I am alone, its all I can think about. I can't stop crying most of the time, or get any sleep. I have a great family and I know I could go to them for comfort, but I feel like I need to be strong in front of them. Sometimes I even feel like I am not being sad enough.
I know I have said it over and over again, but I really HATE this. It is not fair. I want Logan to be able to remember his Opa, to remember what a strong man he was and to learn to be a gentleman from. If he grows up to be at least half the man my dad is, I will be SO happy.
I don't know what the next 26 years are going to give me, but I hope I learn a few things a long the way.
Monday, January 10, 2011
15 down...
85 to go. Sheesh, that really seems like a lot. I weighed myself on Christmas while at my Grandma's house because she just so happened to have a scale. The last time I weighed myself was a few months after I had Logan, so it had been awhile. At that time I weighed 223, which was somewhat good as that is what I weighed before I had Logan, so at least the baby weight was gone. I have been battling my weight ever since I packed on the pounds in my early 20's. The past year and a half have been the worst though. I am extremely self conscious, always look down when I am in public and never socialize with people other than my friends. Not the best way to meet new people. I even tend to stay at home because I don't feel comfortable going out. As you can understand, this does not help my weight or how I feel about myself. So, going back to Christmas, I step on the scale and....I weigh 260! I seriously felt like Crying. The week I had Logan I weighed 270. How in the world did I let myself gain that much weight, and what the hell was I eating?
Time for a change....
I started counting my calories and eating healthier. If you are looking for an awesome fitness tool check out Myfitnesspal.com. They gave me a goal calorie count and I entered in my weight and how much I want to lose and all that. I have been tracking since Christmas and have lost 15 pounds thus far. It sucks to lose weight and not be able to tell, but as of last night I weighed 244.6. It is an improvement for sure. I feel better just knowing that I have finally made a change. I haven't told to many people about it as I figure it will be more fun for them to witness it themselves, or see pictures of the final result if they don't live nearby.
"One should eat to live, not live to eat." ~Cicero
Time for a change....
I started counting my calories and eating healthier. If you are looking for an awesome fitness tool check out Myfitnesspal.com. They gave me a goal calorie count and I entered in my weight and how much I want to lose and all that. I have been tracking since Christmas and have lost 15 pounds thus far. It sucks to lose weight and not be able to tell, but as of last night I weighed 244.6. It is an improvement for sure. I feel better just knowing that I have finally made a change. I haven't told to many people about it as I figure it will be more fun for them to witness it themselves, or see pictures of the final result if they don't live nearby.
"One should eat to live, not live to eat." ~Cicero
Monday, January 3, 2011
A new Year..
So begins 2011. Last year was big for me. Developing as a mom, growing at work, and the numerous emotional out bursts. I am looking forward to a new year. A fresh start, new trials and watching my son grow up.
My divorce is legal this month, it is weird to say I am divorced. I hate being just another statistic. If I remember right, I am meeting with my Lawyer on the 16th to finalize it. All the papers were signed in October, but there is like a 90 day waiting period for it to take effect. Maybe because people decide they don't want a divorce anymore or something. I am also turning 26 this month. I know that to many, that is still young, but to me I feel anxious knowing that I am getting older. It scares me.
Logan and I had a great Christmas, it was spent in Oregon with my Dad's family. It is always so busy and packed, but it is nice to get everyone together. Still a bit weird seeing my cousin. She has been attempting to talk to me more again, but I just don't really want to. Yes, I know she is young and has a troubling past, yadda yadda, but she still has an understanding of what is right and what isn't. Plus, pretending like nothing happened irritates me.
Moving on, Logan is by far the cutest little boy in the world and I am not just saying that because I am his Mother. :o)
It was exciting to see him at Christmas this year. He was excited about his presents, but hasn't really gotten the, rip them open right away concept. I am looking forward to next year when he will be a crazy 2 year old. It is hard to picture him that way though, he is just too sweet.
I know it can change in an instant, and we are fast approaching it, but today I will enjoy my sweet boy!
My divorce is legal this month, it is weird to say I am divorced. I hate being just another statistic. If I remember right, I am meeting with my Lawyer on the 16th to finalize it. All the papers were signed in October, but there is like a 90 day waiting period for it to take effect. Maybe because people decide they don't want a divorce anymore or something. I am also turning 26 this month. I know that to many, that is still young, but to me I feel anxious knowing that I am getting older. It scares me.
Logan and I had a great Christmas, it was spent in Oregon with my Dad's family. It is always so busy and packed, but it is nice to get everyone together. Still a bit weird seeing my cousin. She has been attempting to talk to me more again, but I just don't really want to. Yes, I know she is young and has a troubling past, yadda yadda, but she still has an understanding of what is right and what isn't. Plus, pretending like nothing happened irritates me.
Moving on, Logan is by far the cutest little boy in the world and I am not just saying that because I am his Mother. :o)
It was exciting to see him at Christmas this year. He was excited about his presents, but hasn't really gotten the, rip them open right away concept. I am looking forward to next year when he will be a crazy 2 year old. It is hard to picture him that way though, he is just too sweet.
I know it can change in an instant, and we are fast approaching it, but today I will enjoy my sweet boy!
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