Short sale

It is that time again where we are going to try an attempt at selling our house. The market is crap right now so the realtor's recommended we do a short sale. Which I think may be the best option. Yes, we are obviously not going to make any money off of it, and will most likely end up still owing, but I would rather this happen then end up having to foreclose on the property. We had renters in it for the past year, and we could have continued to rent it, but we are struggling even with the renters there, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Sean told me a couple weeks ago that he was probably going to get laid off from the Bakery. I have every intention of separating our bills, because I make enough to cover my expenses, but I have been trying to get everything caught up before this happens. Of course, I am not going to be able to do this if Sean is laid off. He lived in WA with me for a year and never got off his butt to find a better job, so I don't have high hopes in him finding one there. All he seems to do is give himself a pity party about how nothing ever works out for him and says he is stupid. I hate this attitude. Life is what you make it, if you want to have a good job and make more money, go and get it! He is not stupid, he just needs someone else to make all of his decisions. I told him I am not going to that anymore. I have way to much to handle right now then to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

There I go, off on another rant. I better end it here before I think of something else to complain about.

Running away

I want to run away. Away from this crappy thing that I am calling my life right now. I want to take Logan and start over. I hate being stuck living with my parents, I hate that my marriage is in shambles and that my "other half" is not helping me in anyway besides telling me, "I am all ready giving you my entire paycheck." He apparently is oblivious to the fact that I am paying ALL of the bills, so ofcourse you are going to give me your paycheck. Doesn't help that he spends whatever money he wants when he wants to, which in return causes me to fall further behind on our bills. I HATE that I am a month behind on our mortgage, credit cards, cell phone, insurance and car payments. I hate that my credit is so shot that even in the off chance that I may be able to get my own place in the next year I wont be able to get approved for it. I HATE that I am not appreciated at my job. Yes, I may not have been the best person to work with when I was pregnant, but I work my ASS off. I didn't take my 6 weeks maternity leave that I, by law, could have taken, I worked the week I had Logan and every week there after. Did I get noticed for that, NO! I got the smallest raise out of everyone at the last review because of my communication. Do my bossess see that I make litte to no mistakes, which is a pretty big deal when your title is "Accounting Manager," no they don't. They see the small select few mistakes I make and remember it for review time. I am not perfect by any means, but I deserve a lot more appreciation then I get.

I don't hate my life, I just hate where I am in my life right now. The only good thing I have going is my baby boy, and I thank God for him everyday. I also want to note that I appreciate my parents and for helping me. I only hate that I am stuck there, I am a grown women and need my own space.

End Rant. For now anyway.

My weekend...

Was spend working. Blah! Not my ideal weekend, but after missing 4 days of work last week and a high car payment on the horizon I didn't have much of a choice. I will give myself credit for the amount of hours I worked both days. Usually if I come in on the weekends I get maybe a couple hours here and there before I quit and go home, but I worked 12 hours on Saturday and 9 hours on Sunday. At least now the car payment can be made!

After leaving work on Sunday I ran to Target to pick up some rice cereal and a couple thick liquid nipples for Bean. We are gonna try some of that to see if it helps with the diarrhea, which has not yet stopped since he got sick. Then I went and hung out for about an hour with Ally. I kept thinking while I was there that I can't believe she is actually here. I love the fact that I can call her and say, "Hey, I am by your house," to which she replies, "COOL, wanna stop by." I have been stuck in my house and work pretty much the whole time I have lived here, aside from my few escapes up to Puyallup to hang out with Georgia. She definitely made the move and adjusting SO much easier, and I don't think I would have survived like I did if I had not met her.

Now I am back to work for the week, and I am sooo exhausted.

There is no Falangee?

Yes, that really is my blog name. I am so not creative enough to come up with something witty or intelligent. So, for those of you who do not watch Friends the quote comes from none other than Miss Phoebe Buffay.

I am an avid Friends watcher. I own all 10 seasons on DVD and watch them constantly. I even giggle if a commercial comes on showing the next Friends episode. Lame? Maybe, but when I am having a bad day it cheers me up in no time.

Birth Story...

This is about 5 months over due, but I have yet to write it down anywhere else, and as the months pass the events get more blurry.

My due date was October 16, 2009. Three weeks before my due date, I went to the Doctor for my normal weekly checkup. It was my first internal exam and I was pretty excited to see if I was all ready progressing. Come to find out, I was all ready 3 cm dilated. Doctor stated all we needed now was to wait for the contractions. Another 3 weeks pass by and not even one contract, that I could feel anyway. I went in for my last Doctor appointment before my Due date, which was on a Friday (my appointment was on Tuesday), still only dilated to a three and not much else going on down there. After the appointment, my Doctor said we would go ahead and plan for me to be induced the following Monday, October 19, 2009. If you had read my other posts, you will see this was indeed the day Logan was to be born. I had not felt any contractions before my induction date so I was still oblivious to how they felt. I was told to call the hospital 2 hours before the induction time to ensure they had room. I was to be induced at 8:30 am. I was so nervous and excited, but also worried that when I called they would tell me they didn't have room and I would have to wait. That morning I woke up at 6 to make sure I was awake and alert enough to call at 6:30. My parents were all ready awake and I was in a shy mood so I hid in the bathroom when I called so nobody heard me. My stomach jumped when they said "Oh yeah, come right in we are ready for you." I took a couple deep breaths and told myself "This is it, this is what you have been waiting 9 months for." Logan is my first, and for the entire 9 months I fanticized about what he would look like, how his cry sounds, etc. It also never felt real. I was never able to picture myself pregnant and when I got pregnant I couldn't picture myself as a mom.

My mom was scheduled to has a hysterectomy the same day so she was not going to be able to be in the delivery room with me, so my sister promised to be there. She met us at the hospital at about 8:20 and we all went in together. I checked in, and they took me to my birthing room. I stripped down and got into my nice little hospital gown and waited for the nurse. She came in around 9 and got me hooked up to the IV to start the fluids.

My mom came in and said Hi before she had to check in upstairs. My dad arrived shortly after as well to say Hi. My sister and dad were going between floors to check on me and my mom. It was not so fun for them to have us both in the hospital. At 10 the nurse came in and started me on pitocin to get the contractions going. For the next hour I started to feel slight cramping but nothing serious. At 11 the on call doctor came in and broke my water to see if we could speed things up. I would say that about 12 to 1 I started having steady contractions and they were getting stronger and stronger. I was dilating pretty quickly so we were positive it was not going to take too long. I hit 7 cm at I would guess around 2 and decided to get the epidural. Contraction pains are pretty much just really bad mentrual cramps, and I honestly believe I would have been able to do it without the epidural if I had not been induced. Because I was induced I had to sit in bed the entire time to be monitored which to me made it much harder, because when you are just sitting there the pain is all you can really focus on. When I was able to sit up for the epidural and move around a bit, it really helped. The epidural did help the pain tremendously but it did not work completely as I still felt every contraction and had to breath through them. I was actaully pretty happy about that because I wanted to experience as much as possible. I started feeling a lot of pressure, it felt like I had to take a really big poo. Sorry for the TMI, but it's true. I was fully dilated and ready to push at about 4:30. I startd with practice pushes. While doing these the nurse kept leaving the room, which we thought was funny. She was getting everything ready for baby, and would come in and check my progress every couple of minutes. I pushed for a total of about 1 hour and Logan Scott was born at 5:23 pm on October 19, 2009. As soon as he came out, they put him on my chest. He was very warm and I just hugged him and said, He is real! It was an amazing moment and even now it seems like a distant memory, almost like it never happened. He was perfectly healthy weighing 8 lb 5 oz and 20.5 inches long. My perfect baby boy.

Emotions, what emotions?

It has been 5 months since I had Logan, and I still feel just as emotional as I did when I was pregnant. Well, maybe not AS emotional but pretty darn close. I know my co-workers have seen a change as I am not biting their heads off everyday anymore. Little things still seem to get me going though, either in a good way or a bad way.

Having a baby really opens up your heart in many amazing ways. Before I had Logan I would watch "A Baby Story" and other shows that had to do with having kids (I had really bad baby fever) and it would just make me really want a baby but never really brought on any emotion. Now that I have Logan and I watch those shows I always end up crying. It amazes me everyday how much more my heart is growing as he gets older. Yesterday he was napping when I got home from working a 12 hour day, and when he started to stir I leaned over to say Hello and he gave me a small smile and reached up and touched my face. He just stared into my eyes with his hands on my cheeks. I live for these moments. When nothing else in the world matters but your adorable little boy.

Logan has been sick the past few days. I came down with a mild case of the stomach flu on Monday and my poor baby caught it. He started throwing up on Tuesday. It only lasted until that evening, but that is also when the diarrhea started. He was such a good boy through it all, but his poor mommy is so over poop. He seems to finanlly be recovering from the diarrhea, and I have my fingers crossed for confirmation on that when I get home from work.

Oh how things have changed.

If you know me personally, you know my life has gotten a bit hectic over the past year. It seems I never run out of things to complain about. The best way for me to get things off of my chest is to write about them, as it seems nobody can ever see things from my point of view. My family always tries to give me encouraging words and so on, but all I want is for some sympathy. Somebody to say Hey, you know Anna, I understand completely and I agree that it is total crap. I am going to say I will be giving a brief summary of my life this past year, but it is a lie. I don't think there is a way to summarize it all in a few short paragraphs. I could always break them out into different posts so it doesn't seem as long, but whats the point. It will all get said eventually.

Where to start.....

Two and a half years ago I was a newlywed, I had a great paying job (notice I didn't say I loved the job), we owned our own home and had a bunch of little fur babies. We were settled, happy. We decided on our honeymoon that we would stop using protection and let things run their course. We had been together for 3 years prior to getting married so we were ready. We returned home from our honeymoon and settled into our nice life. Our weekend consisted of mowing the lawn, washing our cars, hanging out with friends. Everything was peachy. A year pasts and still no news on the baby making. No worries, it will happen when it happens. Sean (my husband) started making comments about us moving. He was feeling that he wasn't going anywhere at his current job and didn't think Colorado was where he wanted to be. I was scared, I had lived in Colorado the majority of my life. It was home. My dad being military, the family was spread all over. My sister was graduating from college in WA state so we flew down so be there. A few months after got home Sean mentioned again that he wanted to move, so I said okay, if you want to move the only place I would consider moving to is Washington. Fast forward a couple weeks, my sister calls and says her work has an opening for an administrative assistant job and she recommended me. Her bosses were so happy with her they called me for an interview and hired me on the spot. Sean and I discussed it and decided we were going to take the plunge. Within 2 weeks I had quit my current job, packed up the house and fur babies and began our journey. Our house was put up for sale, but because of the economy it was on the market for 9 months before we decided to try and rent it out. We were hurting really bad financially. I took a $6 pay cut to take this job, which was a huge concern for us, but we reviewed our finances and knew that if Sean transferred with his current job and then looked for a new one we would be okay. Turns out his job wouldn't transfer him. He ended up working for Kraft foods stocking shelves at 6 in the morning. He hated it! Because our house was on the market so long, we ended up staying with my Aunt in Tacoma. This I believe is where the trouble started.

We moved into my Aunts house in October 08, by February I found out I was expecting with a due date of October 16, 2009. A few months after I found out, we discovered my dads cancer had come back and they gave him 2 years. Because of his situation, the Army agreed to PCS him to WA so he could be close to my sister and I. They bought a house and Sean and I moved in with them. Now that our house was being rented we had more of an income coming in, but we had gotten behind so much that we were having trouble getting caught up. During this time, Sean and I began fighting more and growing more distant. To me it seems that he only wanted to be physical. He threatened to leave me when I was few months pregnant because I never wanted to have sex anymore. He apologized later that day and said he needed to work on some things, but we continued to spiral downward. I tried so hard during this time to make him happy, if he wanted something I would do my best to get it for him. I believed that no matter how much we fought we would get through anything. He kept making comments about wanting to move back to Colorado, and I kept ignoring them thinking it will get better. I refused to move back to Colorado because for one, I all ready packed up my life once and moved for him. I settled in, and now that my dad and mom moved here I couldn't imagine leaving. Logan was born on October 19, 2009. He is the love of my life and nothing means more to me than him. I still tried to rekindle my relationship with Sean but he just wasn't accepting anything I would do. He constantly said he was depressed and hated his life, etc. Then I saw a message on his phone from his ex-girlfriend (this is a whole other story) about how they talk about sex all the time and he said he wanted her titties. I hate that word by the way. I brought this up to him and he just kind of ignored it. I chose to ignore it as well, and figured I would try harder. I kept asking him to stop talking to her as she does not need to be a part of our lives and he never really said that he would. The holidays roll around and on Christmas he spent more time with my younger cousins than he did me. On Christmas Day, I had just had my first period in almost a year, it leaked all over my pants and I was just insanely uncomfortable. After my parents and sister left, I started packing up Logan, and then get a rude response from Sean saying, "We are leaving?" My reply, "Well I want to." The younger kids and my uncle's were all going bowling and he wanted to go. That was so far from something I wanted to do. After a few little spats I said Go. I felt like a complete ass because he made it seem like I didn't want to be around my family. My aunt said she would take me home, but I refused to make her drive me 30 minutes home. I would wait for Sean. They were supposed to get home by 7:30 PM, but decided they were going to play a few more games. They didn't get home until almost 9, at which point, Sean comes in and starts talking to the kids again. I sat there for maybe 10 minutes waiting for him to get ready to leave when he decides to go upstairs and play Xbox. Seriously!! So I go up there and say can we please leave, his reply, "Oh you want to leave.?" Seriously!! Things seemed to get a little better after that until I pulled up my computer to get on Facebook and saw some messages between him and someone I know. Curiosity got the better of me and I read what they were talking about. I won't go into detail, but it was inappropriate for a married man with a kid to be saying. I said, why are you talking to her this way. He seemed quit shocked that I had seen it and didn't make one comment. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was so disgusted and hurt by it. I could not just ignore it so I went and talked to my mom about it. Sean was not happy that I did this and he thought my parents would look at him differently. He decided and I agreed that he should leave. He packed up all his stuff at 12 that night and left, he said he didn't want to face anybody.

Fast forward to now, 3 weeks later. He is really sorry for what he did, he wants us back and will do anything it takes. I was so hurt after he left, I couldn't believe what he did. Technically he wasn't cheating but how long would it have been before it got to that point. After he left, I did start seeing how unhappy we were and how many things bugged me about him, that before I accepted and that now drive me insane. I have been so much happier without him and I realized I may love him, but I don't want to be with him. He is trying so hard and it makes me feel bad because nothing he can do will change my mind. I don't know how I will tell him that I don't want to get back together. I know that I shouldn't feel as bad as I do because he is the one that did this, but it is almost like I will look like the bad guy for making the decision.