Emotional Confusion

Emotions are always a hard thing for me to write about. I am starting to think it is because I block them, like it is my way of just not dealing with whatever is going on. This, of course, is not the case when I am angry, that emotion always finds a way out. I am talking more about the sadness, being scared, depression, etc. Everybody always tells me how strong of a person I am and that they could not do what I do, but they never really know what is going on on the inside. I don't feel like a strong person.

Here goes...

I had been with the same person from the time I was 19(which was 2004) till December of 09. Our relationship started out great, as most do. We got married in July of 07, separated in December of 09, and our divorce will be finalized in January 11. I do know when we started having problems, I remember when I knew we weren't going to make it, and I remember when he stopped trying all together. I put a lot more effort into our relationship than he did, I knew that getting married was a commitment and that you try and make it work through the good times and the bad. Once we separated and he moved away, I started realizing a lot about myself and how self conscious I became. I am not a confident person, not even close, and while I do not blame all of this on my ex, he did play a good portion in it. Thinking back, he never told me I was pretty or beautiful. All I ever heard were his "joking" comments. For example, I would saying something along the line of "Bleh, look at that shirt, it is ugly," to which his response was "Yeah, your face is ugly." Gentlemen, this is not a nice thing to say to your wife, even in a "joking" manner. I mention these points because me being self conscious has brought on a lot of other emotions a long with it. When I am out in public, I never look into peoples eyes. I am always looking down, I also never focus on conversations I have because I am always thinking that they are staring at my teeth or my neck, or something crazy. I do not like myself, and I hate that. I hate that when I put myself on a diet I can't stick to it.

Let's move onto the next emotion that I block, Fear. There are a lot of things that contribute to this and I am not to sure where to start, I guess with the most recent?

My dad has cancer, and most of the time I just try not to think about it, but trying not to doesn't really work. I find myself wondering about weird little things, like what if he doesn't get to see a movie he wanted to or finish a book he was reading. I don't even like talking about it, because then I guess I will have to feel something. I am scared that he won't be here next Christmas, I am scared that my mom won't be okay after he goes. I am just scared, and sad and pissed off. My dad just turned 51. 51! He joined the military when he was 17 and has been a part of it ever since. He worked SO hard his entire life to make sure his family, us, was provided for. I still have not met another man who has loved his family as much as my dad loves us. He doesn't deserve to spend half of his days in pain, to not be able to eat normal food, or miss out on family time because he is asleep from the chemo. I HATE it, and I hate that I automatically choose to block out the feelings then to walk around crying all the time, which I do end up doing at home. When I am by myself and thinking. I cried before bed last night because I am scared and sad and worried. My dad spent his entire life making us happy and he gets this in return? How is that fair?

I cannot continue on this topic, at least not today, because I am not wanting to tell people at work why I am crying in the middle of the day. Writing down my emotions is one thing, I don't express them to my friends or co-workers.

I know talking about these things will help, but it is hard.