A new Year..

So begins 2011. Last year was big for me. Developing as a mom, growing at work, and the numerous emotional out bursts. I am looking forward to a new year. A fresh start, new trials and watching my son grow up.

My divorce is legal this month, it is weird to say I am divorced. I hate being just another statistic. If I remember right, I am meeting with my Lawyer on the 16th to finalize it. All the papers were signed in October, but there is like a 90 day waiting period for it to take effect. Maybe because people decide they don't want a divorce anymore or something. I am also turning 26 this month. I know that to many, that is still young, but to me I feel anxious knowing that I am getting older. It scares me.

Logan and I had a great Christmas, it was spent in Oregon with my Dad's family. It is always so busy and packed, but it is nice to get everyone together. Still a bit weird seeing my cousin. She has been attempting to talk to me more again, but I just don't really want to. Yes, I know she is young and has a troubling past, yadda yadda, but she still has an understanding of what is right and what isn't. Plus, pretending like nothing happened irritates me.

Moving on, Logan is by far the cutest little boy in the world and I am not just saying that because I am his Mother. :o)

It was exciting to see him at Christmas this year. He was excited about his presents, but hasn't really gotten the, rip them open right away concept. I am looking forward to next year when he will be a crazy 2 year old. It is hard to picture him that way though, he is just too sweet.

I know it can change in an instant, and we are fast approaching it, but today I will enjoy my sweet boy!

Emotional Confusion

Emotions are always a hard thing for me to write about. I am starting to think it is because I block them, like it is my way of just not dealing with whatever is going on. This, of course, is not the case when I am angry, that emotion always finds a way out. I am talking more about the sadness, being scared, depression, etc. Everybody always tells me how strong of a person I am and that they could not do what I do, but they never really know what is going on on the inside. I don't feel like a strong person.

Here goes...

I had been with the same person from the time I was 19(which was 2004) till December of 09. Our relationship started out great, as most do. We got married in July of 07, separated in December of 09, and our divorce will be finalized in January 11. I do know when we started having problems, I remember when I knew we weren't going to make it, and I remember when he stopped trying all together. I put a lot more effort into our relationship than he did, I knew that getting married was a commitment and that you try and make it work through the good times and the bad. Once we separated and he moved away, I started realizing a lot about myself and how self conscious I became. I am not a confident person, not even close, and while I do not blame all of this on my ex, he did play a good portion in it. Thinking back, he never told me I was pretty or beautiful. All I ever heard were his "joking" comments. For example, I would saying something along the line of "Bleh, look at that shirt, it is ugly," to which his response was "Yeah, your face is ugly." Gentlemen, this is not a nice thing to say to your wife, even in a "joking" manner. I mention these points because me being self conscious has brought on a lot of other emotions a long with it. When I am out in public, I never look into peoples eyes. I am always looking down, I also never focus on conversations I have because I am always thinking that they are staring at my teeth or my neck, or something crazy. I do not like myself, and I hate that. I hate that when I put myself on a diet I can't stick to it.

Let's move onto the next emotion that I block, Fear. There are a lot of things that contribute to this and I am not to sure where to start, I guess with the most recent?

My dad has cancer, and most of the time I just try not to think about it, but trying not to doesn't really work. I find myself wondering about weird little things, like what if he doesn't get to see a movie he wanted to or finish a book he was reading. I don't even like talking about it, because then I guess I will have to feel something. I am scared that he won't be here next Christmas, I am scared that my mom won't be okay after he goes. I am just scared, and sad and pissed off. My dad just turned 51. 51! He joined the military when he was 17 and has been a part of it ever since. He worked SO hard his entire life to make sure his family, us, was provided for. I still have not met another man who has loved his family as much as my dad loves us. He doesn't deserve to spend half of his days in pain, to not be able to eat normal food, or miss out on family time because he is asleep from the chemo. I HATE it, and I hate that I automatically choose to block out the feelings then to walk around crying all the time, which I do end up doing at home. When I am by myself and thinking. I cried before bed last night because I am scared and sad and worried. My dad spent his entire life making us happy and he gets this in return? How is that fair?

I cannot continue on this topic, at least not today, because I am not wanting to tell people at work why I am crying in the middle of the day. Writing down my emotions is one thing, I don't express them to my friends or co-workers.

I know talking about these things will help, but it is hard.

Hello Friend

I have come to the conclusion that time flies way to fast. It has all ready been four months since my last blog update, which to me, is crazy. A lot has happened in such a small amount of time that I don't know if I will be able to fit it all into one post, but I shall try.

Most importantly, the person I love most in this world turned the big O-N-E. Here is another great example of the whole time flies bizz. He is becoming such a handsome little man and I am torn between wanting him to grow up or stay young forever. I love this phase he is in right now. The too scared to walk, learning to high five and jibbering at random objects. Sometimes I just sit and watch him with a huge smile on my face because he is reading a book and pointing at the pictures. I am in awe of his genius and it makes my heart swell with the things he is learning. Sometimes I feel like crying because I love him so much. which may seem weird to non-parents, but once you have a kid you should know what I mean.

His birthday was amazing. Surrounded by loving family and friends. My friend Jamie is very crafty and after seeing her make the cake for her sons birthday, I was inspired to do the same. I, of course, did seek her help in the process. Overall his cake came out amazing, minus the small flaw with the back of my elephant, but who looks at the back of the cake? Right?

Logan's dad surprising flew out for the occasion. I say surprised because even though he "wants" to be a part of his life, he hasn't shown much effort thus far. It was his first time seeing him in over 10 months. Luckily, the visit was not awkward and he was able to enjoy his time here, even after serving him with divorce papers, oops!

He was actually very reasonable about the whole thing, which was nice. I still think it was because of the tail he is chasing back home, but thats not my business anymore. He signed everything I purposed while he was here, which means we do not have to go to court. He started paying child support in October and I was granted full custody of Logan. It is nice to have made a decision and have gotten everything settled. It is time to start living fully again!

Logan and I have finally moved into our own apartment. We are on a tight budget, but it is so worth it. Logan loves all the freedom and I love watching him crawl circles around the kitchen. I was able to find a cute Christmas tree for $30 and got a few ornaments for it. My mom decided to let my sister and I pick out ornaments from our childhood tree, so that helped fill mine up a bit. It has made the apartment feel more festive as well as brought a little bit of home to it.

I have my fingers crossed in hopes I will get a nice camera for Christmas. I did not specifically request one, but Santa can be a mind reader occasionally. I have been following a blog since last January and am always really inspired to start photographing my life. If you are in need of a little inspiration, She never fails to dish it out.

So much more to say, but not enough time. Work is calling my name....

A turn for the....Better?

I have been crazy giddy lately. Why you ask? I got a raise at work. Given I am still making way less then I should be, but its enough to get my own place.

Can we all say, "Thank you baby Jesus."

I will be forever grateful for the help my parents have given me this past year and a half, but I think once you have reached a certain age and have all ready been "settled" once before that living with your parents will just drive you crazy.

I am so looking forward to having mommy son time. Without having my mother look over my shoulder for everything that I do. It gets really old getting asked 20 questions when she gets up in the morning about how he slept, and what did he have for breakfast. Last night she questioned why I was putting cereal in with his dinner. She also proceeds to tell me how he spends his days and was kind of routine he has. Hello, do I need to wear a name tag that says "I am the mom" on it?

I could probably rant all day about living with my parents, but I refuse to. I am in a pretty good mood today.

I am going to look at a townhouse today. Fingers crossed that it is nice. I still do not have a definite move in time, but hopefully once I find the place I want to live it will help me get all of that figured out. First item on the list though is to close on our house. The bank came back with a counter offer, so to me that means they are going to accept it as a short sale. I am hoping to get news today.

On a cuter note, here are some new pictures of my Logie bear. I finally got my camera charged, but for some reason I don't think the pictures come out any better then the ones on my phone.

Family vs. Friends

Why does it seem like everyone has to take sides? I am feeling so lost and hurt lately and have no idea what I should do. A good portion of my family is standing behind Sean, giving him encouraging words, etc. I am glad that nobody hates Sean, but they also don't understand what he did that got us in this situation. My issue with them doing this is that they have yet to support me, not verbally anyway. I am assuming it may be because Sean makes comments to the world seeking attention, so in return they feel sorry for him and try and help him out. Sean is playing the victim role, which makes me the bad guy.

I just don't understand how someone can hurt his family like that and then play the victim card. He sits over their complaining to the world and says that I'm mean?

An example:

Two days ago I get a call from our realtor saying your grass is getting a little over grown and isn't looking to hot. Can you send Sean over their to take care of it or I have a guy I can send over. I text Sean asking if he can try and get the grass mowed soon as it seems to be getting a little crazy. His response " Ummm thats not my problem we don't live there and I can't bring the lawnmower over cuz it wont fit in my car."

This ofcourse made me mad! As always I have to handle everything because its not his problem. We BOTH own this house and just because we don't live there right now and its under contract that its not our problem anymore?

My friends have my back 100%, but thats because they know the full story. My family doesn't, and that is for the sake of Sean. He is lucky they don't know and its like he is using it against me. But still, shouldn't MY family have MY back?

Rules

I got in the habit of counting the stairs in our house once Logan came home. It was my easy solution so that I wouldn't fall while carrying him, and it has worked. I go down 4 stairs, hit the landing and then go down another 11. I am always counting them, even if I don't have Logan in my arms. This was a rule that I gave to myself, and this morning I forgot to follow it, and boy did I learn my lesson. To make this story less scary, I was not holding Logan at the time. When he is in my arms or anywhere near me, my rules never falter.

It was 5:45 AM and I was heading downstairs after getting dressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked it on to catch up on all the Facebook updates I missed while sleeping. I really wonder what High School would have been like with smartphones and Facebook. I made it down the first 4 stairs without a hitch, I didn't even realize I wasn't counting. I start heading down the last 11 steps, and it seems I miscalculated where the bottom was. If I had been following my rule, I would have realized I was on step 9 not 11 when I assumed I was at the bottom. Next thing I knew I was falling forward arms flailing, the ground getting closer, then bam. Floor contact. Both of my parents were awake for the incident, luckily I was hidden behind the banister so they didn't witness my crazy stunt, but they definitely heard it. My arm was pretty sore and red around the wrist. I don't remember it smashing into anything, but it did. I was also happy that I was wearing my protective eye ware as it smacked against the banister on my way down. I did survive, no broken bones or war wounds, but I did have a pretty good laugh about it once I got in the car.

I love Fridays. They bring happiness. Almost like the excitement of Christmas Eve, almost. Today I was greeted with a beautiful Washington morning. I love it here.

It is like a little piece of Heaven. The rain, the fog, the water, the trees, its perfect.

Even the bug smears on my windshield in the last picture. Hopefully today will be a good day.

Happy Friday.

Update time...

Logan had his 6 month check up last Thursday. She said he is healthy and perfect, but she did mention the term cerebral palsy which still has me a bit freaked out. I mentioned that Logan likes to cross his ankles whether he be standing or sitting. It is not all the time but pretty frequently. Apparently, this is a sign of cerebral palsy in premature babies. Logan was not a premie, so she checked his ankles, knees and legs to make sure everything seemed okay, and it did. She said worst case is he might be pigeon toed. I know she was just ruling everything out, but I wish she would not have mentioned these things to me. I don't want a list of "what if's" I only want to know if there is actaully an issue. Now I feel like I am worrying about something that probably is not even going to happen. I like his pedi, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.




Went out with the girls on Saturday night and had a blast. I really need to work on being less whiny and learn to enjoy myself more. I let my emotions get the best of me to often. Thank goodness I have two amazing friends who I honestly could not live without. Moving back to our girls night, We went to a bar at the mall and had a few drinks. It was pretty slow there so we decided to head out and look for another bar. We had heard that one of the local bars was pretty hopping so we stopped there, as soon as we walked in a creepy older guy was just staring at us, and wouldn't stop. So we all had a restroom break and decided we didn't want to hang around, so we headed over to an irish bar and finished off our night there.

Got some great pictures out of it!

A lot of crap has been going on at work lately, but I refuse to vent about it on here. If I did, thats all this blog/journal would ever be about. I will say that I am still upset with my sister and have been going on a week now. A situation was handled completely inappropriately and until an apology is made, I don't think I will ever let this go. I am not someone who doens't forgive. I am talking to her and treat her as I normally do, but when something bad happens and it never gets resolved I do remember it. I am also not somebody that is going to request an apology, she needs to realize when she is in the wrong and do it all on her own. It was not entirely her fault and I realize that. Now lets see if this situation affects my review, and if it does, I know for a fact I will not be able to hold my tongue.