Ranter Banter!

I live in Washington state. This means that the majority of mothers here consider themselves "Green Parents" or another term I have heard is "Crunchy." Whatever the hell that means. I am all for doing healthier options for your children, but some of this crap is just ridiculous. Before I begin my crazy momma rant I will add that I am more likely to pick Organic healthier options for my boys then random sodium full options. I am also for breastfeeding and cloth diapering. Why? Because they save a shit ton of money.

Before I had my second son in November 2012, I was added to a Facebook group for moms in my area by a good friend. Like I do after joining many groups on Facebook, I sit back and observe the crazy that usually happens. The majority of the moms fall under the "Crunchy" category and include posts about Pox Parties, Breastfeeding until age 4+, Vegan/Vegetarian and Gluten free only for infants, Co sleeping, Vaccinations, etc. As you can see, the majority of these are very hot topics. I am aware that most adults have varying opinions on each of these topics, the problem that I have with these is how extreme some mothers are about them For example, recently a mother explained how she is VERY anti-vaccination. "They are pointless, and just because your vaccinated doesn't mean you won't get the disease." No freaking shit! Yet, this same mother is willing to attend a pox party so that her baby can get them while still young. Seriously? Your going to expose your vulnerable baby so the chicken pox, which without the vaccine, can kill your child? I know, I know, the vaccine does not mean it will prevent the pox from coming or will prevent your child dying from it, but it sure as hell will help.

Now Co-sleeping. When you over coddle your child and prevent them from self-soothing because you think CIO or sleeping alone will tramatize them, do NOT then complain about how your child will not sleep through the night or that your daycare provider cannot offer the special attention your child needs at nap time because she can't fall asleep by her self. Sometimes in the beginning, I admit, having your baby in bed with you helps significantly. But after the first 2 months, baby needs it own bed.

Breastfeeding until at least age 4+. Are you freaking kidding me? I breastfed my second son until 8 months and then my supply was just not cutting it anymore. If it had lasted he would have been breastfed until no more then 1 year. Going above that is just insane to me, going until 4 is just freaking ridiculous. I can't believe that the nutritional value is that great for them after 1. At this point, your just doing it because you can't come to terms with your baby growing up. Seriously, STOP it. Its just creepy. If you MUST do it, why not just give them the breastmilk in a sippy cup? Why in the world do you need to whip out the boob and let your 4 year old suckle?

Catch up...

Where to begin...I am so horrible and keeping up with this journal. Someday I will be sad that I didn't maintain it, because I lose to many memories as it is, at least this way I have a way of remembering them.

A lot has happened since my last post..I am pregnant! Due in November and am very excited about it, even though it was not planned. Steve is over the moon EXCITED. He has always wanted kids of his own, and was getting to the point where he was beginning to think it would never happen. I am really hoping to a girl, but would be happy with another boy. I just don't like being out numbered. :)

I am leaving my job next month. It is very bittersweet. As much as I have ranted about this place, it is still going to be VERY weird actually leaving. I am going to be a stay at home mom, which is a bit scary. I have not had more then a week off of work since I graduated High School, so this is going to be a big adjustment. I am sure I will like it for the first few weeks, but after that I may feel a bit crazy! My best friend just had her baby, so I will be watching it for her when she goes back to work, That way I am still bringing in a little bit of money. Once this new baby gets here, watching 3 kids is going to get wild!

I don't think much else has happened since my last post. Sadly! I am really not that entertaining. Logan's dad (Sean) is coming to visit for a weekend next month. It is good that he is finally coming to visit, but I still think it may be a little bit strange at first. I have always told him that if he wants to be a part of his life, I will not keep him away, but it is up to him to choose. I really wish he would either be more pro-active in seeing Logan or not see him at all. This showing up once every year or so is just going to confuse Logan. :/

Birthday Outcome....

Logan's Birthday went well. He made out like a bandit and seemed to have enjoyed himself, well aside from the incredibly scary life sized Mickey. My only disappointment was the absence of my best friend. When she RSVP'd she mentioned that she would be late. I did have his party on a Sunday which means it is a football day, so apparently they had invited a lot of friends to the bar to watch the game and couldn't just not show up. I do remember telling her weeks in advance when his party would be. Anyway, I was slightly hurt that the game seemed more important to her, but at least she was still planning on coming. Well, she didn't come. I didn't even get a "Not going to make it text" or anything. I didn't hear anything from her until half way through the day on Tuesday. She didn't even say sorry, she just asked how it went. I didn't feel like bringing it up, so I just said it went well. I know it seems silly to be mad about it, she probably doesn't even realize how important it was to me for her to come. It's hard for me to even explain why it was here.

On a different note, I did finally hear from Sean on the day of Logan's party. He asked how his birthday went and asked if we got his package. He mailed it to the old apartment, but my lease isn't up until the 31st so I can still get mail there. When I asked where he sent it, I of course had to explain that I moved. A couple days later his mom messaged me on Facebook asking about my move and if I had moved in with Steve. If this was information I wanted to share with my ex-husbands family, I would have kept them as friends on Facebook. I do not know why she has such an interest in my love life, but it is not ANY of her business why I move, or whom I move in with. Oiy, having an ex family is so irritating and stressful!

Two years...

Where does the time go? Logan turned two a couple of days ago. How in the world do I have a two year old? He is such an amazing kid. He is constantly talking, does sign language, LOVES Mickey Mouse and Cars and is always fist bumping ( we call it knuckles) with everyone. I love being able to see him grow and develop his own personality.

We are having his birthday party this Sunday. It has been awhile since the Family got together so I am really looking forward to it. We didn't hear from Sean at all for his Birthday. I am not really surprised since he never even asks how Logan is doing. The only time I hear from him is because he is throwing a fit about Daycare costs or child support. I feel bad for Logan. It isn't fair to him. I don't like that Logan will grow up not really knowing who is dad is. I would prefer that Sean either be around or not be around at all, I just wish he would decide what he wants to do. The next time he decides to make an appearance, Logan will have no idea who he is, and it's not like I hide who he is from Logan either. Sean's mom has even stopped asking about Logan. She used to comment or send messages about his pictures or what he was doing, but then it just kind of stopped. I went 6 months without hearing a peep from her, and then the minute I start dating somebody new, I get a message saying that she is happy for me and that she hopes to meet Steve someday and that she hopes its good for Logan, because its all about Logan and his upbringing. Really? I am pretty freaking positive that I do whats best for my child and his upbringing. Maybe she should work on teaching her son to be an adult and be responsible instead of spying on my life and trying to tell me whats best for my child. I may have taken the message different then how she meant it, who knows. I just don't really understand how everybody can be so chill with Sean, like what he is doing is perfectly normal. I even like how they make me the bad guy. I could probably rant about this stuff forever, so I will move on.

New Relationship, yes it finally happened. Some people told me it was to soon to start dating, others said it was about time. Personally, I didn't even think about men or dating until Logan was one and a half. Which is still over a year from when Sean and I split. Whether it was the right time or not, I am happy. Extremely HAPPY! I met Steve, and from the very first day we hit it off. I tell him everything, I can act goofy and stupid in front of him and it all feels completely normal. He makes me feel beautiful and loved. This is what a relationship is supposed to feel like!! I am myself 100% with him and it is amazing. Logan loves him too. I love seeing them together. It is still weird to see somebody who is not Logan's dad treat him like a dad should, and I like that Logan has a male role model to look up to. After my dad passed away, he was surrounded by females and that can't be good for a little guy. :o)

I feel like my life is finally falling into a steady pace, where I am happy and content. Well aside from work drama and stress, but that never changes.

Until next time...

Its been awhile..

I have thought about coming and writing everything down here several times over the past couple of months, but every time I think about it I convince myself not to because I believe I have put my emotions in a room and locked the door. It has been a rough couple of months, and I know I continually say things are rough, but I can't help it, its true.

It is hard to believe that two days after my last post, my dad passed away. My mom called me at work and said that when dad woke up that morning, he said he felt weird, like something was wrong. They discovered that he started bleeding internally and that he didn't have much longer. Most of my family had all ready come to town to see him, so it was nice to have everybody there. My aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins. He got to see everybody, and he knew we were all there for him. He slept most of the day, but talked a little bit. My mom stayed right by him the whole time, holding his hand. We all went to bed around midnight. My sister, mom and I all crawled into their bed so we could sleep near dad (He was on a Hospital type bed next to theirs). I woke up around 5 when my mom got up, and it was quiet, way to quiet. She went and got my Aunt and Grandma who are both nurses, and they listened for breathing or movement.

I miss my dad every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't cry enough or think about him enough. I don't really feel like I have blocked the emotions, but I am starting to think that I just automatically do it. Death has always been a scary thing for me to think about and now its like I can't think of anything else. I believe in God, I have faith, but every now and again I wonder. I find myself praying and hoping that there is indeed a heaven and that my dad is there. That he is somewhere, and not just a nothing.

My dad was an amazing person, and I am not just saying that because I am the lucky one who got to be his daughter. I am saying that because any person who met him will tell you. He joined the military when he was 17, when he was 18 he met my mom (she was 20). They got married within months of meeting each other and spent the next 31 years as in love now as they were in the beginning. Even after he got sick, he did everything he could for my mom. Buying her flowers at random times, always opening the door for her, etc. All my life he was working. He went to work early and came home late. Would go on training missions or deploy. Most of my friends never saw him because he was traveling and working so much. To people looking in thats how it seems, but to me, I have no memories of him being gone. When he was home we were camping, going to the movies, playing softball in the yard with friends. He only worked so hard so that his family was taken care of. He was a giver, no matter what the situation was he would go out of his way to help his family or friends. Even till the end he was this way, never complaining. Mom said that he kept apologizing when they told him he didn't have long, he was worried about his family and not himself.

I don't understand why someone who dedicated his life to protect not only his Family, but America had to spend the last few years in constant pain. I do find happiness knowing he isn't hurting anymore, but for him to be taken from this earth early and to miss out on so much is not fair.

I miss my Dad, I miss the vacations we could have taken, the moments he had with my son, the person he was. I miss our family sitting in the living room telling jokes and laughing so hard we cried because we were telling stories from the past. I miss him quoting movies all the time and making us guess which one it was. I miss everything!

Check out this video for a a quick recap of his amazing life..

26 years...

Twenty-Six, Man I am getting old. These past 26 years have been a mixture of happiness, sadness, confusion, complete and utter joy, and Love.

First loves, first heart aches, friendships made and lost, long distance moves, babies, divorce and the long road of discovering who I am. This past year has been one of the hardest and most stressful years I have ever had. You really do not know how strong of a person you are until you have to experience a million different emotions at once.

I have a feeling this year will also turn into one of my worst years. I still hold strong hopes that things will change, that my Dad will stop hurting and get stronger. The Doctors don't seem to think that will happen though. They say he has 6 months and I am SO scared that they are right. He spends all day upstairs in his bed. They have him attached to a pump so he can press a button when he starts feeling to much pain. They decided to set him up with a hospice nurse so he doesn't have to go to appointments anymore. I can get away with working all day and not thinking about it, but at night, when I am alone, its all I can think about. I can't stop crying most of the time, or get any sleep. I have a great family and I know I could go to them for comfort, but I feel like I need to be strong in front of them. Sometimes I even feel like I am not being sad enough.

I know I have said it over and over again, but I really HATE this. It is not fair. I want Logan to be able to remember his Opa, to remember what a strong man he was and to learn to be a gentleman from. If he grows up to be at least half the man my dad is, I will be SO happy.

I don't know what the next 26 years are going to give me, but I hope I learn a few things a long the way.

15 down...

85 to go. Sheesh, that really seems like a lot. I weighed myself on Christmas while at my Grandma's house because she just so happened to have a scale. The last time I weighed myself was a few months after I had Logan, so it had been awhile. At that time I weighed 223, which was somewhat good as that is what I weighed before I had Logan, so at least the baby weight was gone. I have been battling my weight ever since I packed on the pounds in my early 20's. The past year and a half have been the worst though. I am extremely self conscious, always look down when I am in public and never socialize with people other than my friends. Not the best way to meet new people. I even tend to stay at home because I don't feel comfortable going out. As you can understand, this does not help my weight or how I feel about myself. So, going back to Christmas, I step on the scale and....I weigh 260! I seriously felt like Crying. The week I had Logan I weighed 270. How in the world did I let myself gain that much weight, and what the hell was I eating?

Time for a change....

I started counting my calories and eating healthier. If you are looking for an awesome fitness tool check out Myfitnesspal.com. They gave me a goal calorie count and I entered in my weight and how much I want to lose and all that. I have been tracking since Christmas and have lost 15 pounds thus far. It sucks to lose weight and not be able to tell, but as of last night I weighed 244.6. It is an improvement for sure. I feel better just knowing that I have finally made a change. I haven't told to many people about it as I figure it will be more fun for them to witness it themselves, or see pictures of the final result if they don't live nearby.

"One should eat to live, not live to eat." ~Cicero

A new Year..

So begins 2011. Last year was big for me. Developing as a mom, growing at work, and the numerous emotional out bursts. I am looking forward to a new year. A fresh start, new trials and watching my son grow up.

My divorce is legal this month, it is weird to say I am divorced. I hate being just another statistic. If I remember right, I am meeting with my Lawyer on the 16th to finalize it. All the papers were signed in October, but there is like a 90 day waiting period for it to take effect. Maybe because people decide they don't want a divorce anymore or something. I am also turning 26 this month. I know that to many, that is still young, but to me I feel anxious knowing that I am getting older. It scares me.

Logan and I had a great Christmas, it was spent in Oregon with my Dad's family. It is always so busy and packed, but it is nice to get everyone together. Still a bit weird seeing my cousin. She has been attempting to talk to me more again, but I just don't really want to. Yes, I know she is young and has a troubling past, yadda yadda, but she still has an understanding of what is right and what isn't. Plus, pretending like nothing happened irritates me.

Moving on, Logan is by far the cutest little boy in the world and I am not just saying that because I am his Mother. :o)

It was exciting to see him at Christmas this year. He was excited about his presents, but hasn't really gotten the, rip them open right away concept. I am looking forward to next year when he will be a crazy 2 year old. It is hard to picture him that way though, he is just too sweet.

I know it can change in an instant, and we are fast approaching it, but today I will enjoy my sweet boy!

Emotional Confusion

Emotions are always a hard thing for me to write about. I am starting to think it is because I block them, like it is my way of just not dealing with whatever is going on. This, of course, is not the case when I am angry, that emotion always finds a way out. I am talking more about the sadness, being scared, depression, etc. Everybody always tells me how strong of a person I am and that they could not do what I do, but they never really know what is going on on the inside. I don't feel like a strong person.

Here goes...

I had been with the same person from the time I was 19(which was 2004) till December of 09. Our relationship started out great, as most do. We got married in July of 07, separated in December of 09, and our divorce will be finalized in January 11. I do know when we started having problems, I remember when I knew we weren't going to make it, and I remember when he stopped trying all together. I put a lot more effort into our relationship than he did, I knew that getting married was a commitment and that you try and make it work through the good times and the bad. Once we separated and he moved away, I started realizing a lot about myself and how self conscious I became. I am not a confident person, not even close, and while I do not blame all of this on my ex, he did play a good portion in it. Thinking back, he never told me I was pretty or beautiful. All I ever heard were his "joking" comments. For example, I would saying something along the line of "Bleh, look at that shirt, it is ugly," to which his response was "Yeah, your face is ugly." Gentlemen, this is not a nice thing to say to your wife, even in a "joking" manner. I mention these points because me being self conscious has brought on a lot of other emotions a long with it. When I am out in public, I never look into peoples eyes. I am always looking down, I also never focus on conversations I have because I am always thinking that they are staring at my teeth or my neck, or something crazy. I do not like myself, and I hate that. I hate that when I put myself on a diet I can't stick to it.

Let's move onto the next emotion that I block, Fear. There are a lot of things that contribute to this and I am not to sure where to start, I guess with the most recent?

My dad has cancer, and most of the time I just try not to think about it, but trying not to doesn't really work. I find myself wondering about weird little things, like what if he doesn't get to see a movie he wanted to or finish a book he was reading. I don't even like talking about it, because then I guess I will have to feel something. I am scared that he won't be here next Christmas, I am scared that my mom won't be okay after he goes. I am just scared, and sad and pissed off. My dad just turned 51. 51! He joined the military when he was 17 and has been a part of it ever since. He worked SO hard his entire life to make sure his family, us, was provided for. I still have not met another man who has loved his family as much as my dad loves us. He doesn't deserve to spend half of his days in pain, to not be able to eat normal food, or miss out on family time because he is asleep from the chemo. I HATE it, and I hate that I automatically choose to block out the feelings then to walk around crying all the time, which I do end up doing at home. When I am by myself and thinking. I cried before bed last night because I am scared and sad and worried. My dad spent his entire life making us happy and he gets this in return? How is that fair?

I cannot continue on this topic, at least not today, because I am not wanting to tell people at work why I am crying in the middle of the day. Writing down my emotions is one thing, I don't express them to my friends or co-workers.

I know talking about these things will help, but it is hard.

Hello Friend

I have come to the conclusion that time flies way to fast. It has all ready been four months since my last blog update, which to me, is crazy. A lot has happened in such a small amount of time that I don't know if I will be able to fit it all into one post, but I shall try.

Most importantly, the person I love most in this world turned the big O-N-E. Here is another great example of the whole time flies bizz. He is becoming such a handsome little man and I am torn between wanting him to grow up or stay young forever. I love this phase he is in right now. The too scared to walk, learning to high five and jibbering at random objects. Sometimes I just sit and watch him with a huge smile on my face because he is reading a book and pointing at the pictures. I am in awe of his genius and it makes my heart swell with the things he is learning. Sometimes I feel like crying because I love him so much. which may seem weird to non-parents, but once you have a kid you should know what I mean.

His birthday was amazing. Surrounded by loving family and friends. My friend Jamie is very crafty and after seeing her make the cake for her sons birthday, I was inspired to do the same. I, of course, did seek her help in the process. Overall his cake came out amazing, minus the small flaw with the back of my elephant, but who looks at the back of the cake? Right?

Logan's dad surprising flew out for the occasion. I say surprised because even though he "wants" to be a part of his life, he hasn't shown much effort thus far. It was his first time seeing him in over 10 months. Luckily, the visit was not awkward and he was able to enjoy his time here, even after serving him with divorce papers, oops!

He was actually very reasonable about the whole thing, which was nice. I still think it was because of the tail he is chasing back home, but thats not my business anymore. He signed everything I purposed while he was here, which means we do not have to go to court. He started paying child support in October and I was granted full custody of Logan. It is nice to have made a decision and have gotten everything settled. It is time to start living fully again!

Logan and I have finally moved into our own apartment. We are on a tight budget, but it is so worth it. Logan loves all the freedom and I love watching him crawl circles around the kitchen. I was able to find a cute Christmas tree for $30 and got a few ornaments for it. My mom decided to let my sister and I pick out ornaments from our childhood tree, so that helped fill mine up a bit. It has made the apartment feel more festive as well as brought a little bit of home to it.

I have my fingers crossed in hopes I will get a nice camera for Christmas. I did not specifically request one, but Santa can be a mind reader occasionally. I have been following a blog since last January and am always really inspired to start photographing my life. If you are in need of a little inspiration, She never fails to dish it out.

So much more to say, but not enough time. Work is calling my name....

A turn for the....Better?

I have been crazy giddy lately. Why you ask? I got a raise at work. Given I am still making way less then I should be, but its enough to get my own place.

Can we all say, "Thank you baby Jesus."

I will be forever grateful for the help my parents have given me this past year and a half, but I think once you have reached a certain age and have all ready been "settled" once before that living with your parents will just drive you crazy.

I am so looking forward to having mommy son time. Without having my mother look over my shoulder for everything that I do. It gets really old getting asked 20 questions when she gets up in the morning about how he slept, and what did he have for breakfast. Last night she questioned why I was putting cereal in with his dinner. She also proceeds to tell me how he spends his days and was kind of routine he has. Hello, do I need to wear a name tag that says "I am the mom" on it?

I could probably rant all day about living with my parents, but I refuse to. I am in a pretty good mood today.

I am going to look at a townhouse today. Fingers crossed that it is nice. I still do not have a definite move in time, but hopefully once I find the place I want to live it will help me get all of that figured out. First item on the list though is to close on our house. The bank came back with a counter offer, so to me that means they are going to accept it as a short sale. I am hoping to get news today.

On a cuter note, here are some new pictures of my Logie bear. I finally got my camera charged, but for some reason I don't think the pictures come out any better then the ones on my phone.

Family vs. Friends

Why does it seem like everyone has to take sides? I am feeling so lost and hurt lately and have no idea what I should do. A good portion of my family is standing behind Sean, giving him encouraging words, etc. I am glad that nobody hates Sean, but they also don't understand what he did that got us in this situation. My issue with them doing this is that they have yet to support me, not verbally anyway. I am assuming it may be because Sean makes comments to the world seeking attention, so in return they feel sorry for him and try and help him out. Sean is playing the victim role, which makes me the bad guy.

I just don't understand how someone can hurt his family like that and then play the victim card. He sits over their complaining to the world and says that I'm mean?

An example:

Two days ago I get a call from our realtor saying your grass is getting a little over grown and isn't looking to hot. Can you send Sean over their to take care of it or I have a guy I can send over. I text Sean asking if he can try and get the grass mowed soon as it seems to be getting a little crazy. His response " Ummm thats not my problem we don't live there and I can't bring the lawnmower over cuz it wont fit in my car."

This ofcourse made me mad! As always I have to handle everything because its not his problem. We BOTH own this house and just because we don't live there right now and its under contract that its not our problem anymore?

My friends have my back 100%, but thats because they know the full story. My family doesn't, and that is for the sake of Sean. He is lucky they don't know and its like he is using it against me. But still, shouldn't MY family have MY back?

Rules

I got in the habit of counting the stairs in our house once Logan came home. It was my easy solution so that I wouldn't fall while carrying him, and it has worked. I go down 4 stairs, hit the landing and then go down another 11. I am always counting them, even if I don't have Logan in my arms. This was a rule that I gave to myself, and this morning I forgot to follow it, and boy did I learn my lesson. To make this story less scary, I was not holding Logan at the time. When he is in my arms or anywhere near me, my rules never falter.

It was 5:45 AM and I was heading downstairs after getting dressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked it on to catch up on all the Facebook updates I missed while sleeping. I really wonder what High School would have been like with smartphones and Facebook. I made it down the first 4 stairs without a hitch, I didn't even realize I wasn't counting. I start heading down the last 11 steps, and it seems I miscalculated where the bottom was. If I had been following my rule, I would have realized I was on step 9 not 11 when I assumed I was at the bottom. Next thing I knew I was falling forward arms flailing, the ground getting closer, then bam. Floor contact. Both of my parents were awake for the incident, luckily I was hidden behind the banister so they didn't witness my crazy stunt, but they definitely heard it. My arm was pretty sore and red around the wrist. I don't remember it smashing into anything, but it did. I was also happy that I was wearing my protective eye ware as it smacked against the banister on my way down. I did survive, no broken bones or war wounds, but I did have a pretty good laugh about it once I got in the car.

I love Fridays. They bring happiness. Almost like the excitement of Christmas Eve, almost. Today I was greeted with a beautiful Washington morning. I love it here.

It is like a little piece of Heaven. The rain, the fog, the water, the trees, its perfect.

Even the bug smears on my windshield in the last picture. Hopefully today will be a good day.

Happy Friday.

Update time...

Logan had his 6 month check up last Thursday. She said he is healthy and perfect, but she did mention the term cerebral palsy which still has me a bit freaked out. I mentioned that Logan likes to cross his ankles whether he be standing or sitting. It is not all the time but pretty frequently. Apparently, this is a sign of cerebral palsy in premature babies. Logan was not a premie, so she checked his ankles, knees and legs to make sure everything seemed okay, and it did. She said worst case is he might be pigeon toed. I know she was just ruling everything out, but I wish she would not have mentioned these things to me. I don't want a list of "what if's" I only want to know if there is actaully an issue. Now I feel like I am worrying about something that probably is not even going to happen. I like his pedi, but this just rubbed me the wrong way.




Went out with the girls on Saturday night and had a blast. I really need to work on being less whiny and learn to enjoy myself more. I let my emotions get the best of me to often. Thank goodness I have two amazing friends who I honestly could not live without. Moving back to our girls night, We went to a bar at the mall and had a few drinks. It was pretty slow there so we decided to head out and look for another bar. We had heard that one of the local bars was pretty hopping so we stopped there, as soon as we walked in a creepy older guy was just staring at us, and wouldn't stop. So we all had a restroom break and decided we didn't want to hang around, so we headed over to an irish bar and finished off our night there.

Got some great pictures out of it!

A lot of crap has been going on at work lately, but I refuse to vent about it on here. If I did, thats all this blog/journal would ever be about. I will say that I am still upset with my sister and have been going on a week now. A situation was handled completely inappropriately and until an apology is made, I don't think I will ever let this go. I am not someone who doens't forgive. I am talking to her and treat her as I normally do, but when something bad happens and it never gets resolved I do remember it. I am also not somebody that is going to request an apology, she needs to realize when she is in the wrong and do it all on her own. It was not entirely her fault and I realize that. Now lets see if this situation affects my review, and if it does, I know for a fact I will not be able to hold my tongue.

You know your a mom...

When you start getting overly excited about a new car seat. I have been having a lot of these
"You know your a mom" moments lately. I now fully understand why my mom never does anything for herself. Given, she has gotten better now that my sister and I are older, but she still holds back on a lot. I ordered Logans new car seat on the 10th and it is finally getting delivered today. His first big boy car seat. My baby is growing up so fast.

We went to the fair yesterday with Georgia and had a blast. I got to try Elephant Ears, which are apparently a very hot item. Fair food has changed a lot from when I was younger. At least that I remember. I might have just blocked it all out because all I ever wanted were funnel cakes.

Logan was such a good boy the whole time. Oh, it is insane how much I love that kid. He is changing so much everday. I wish I didn't have to work so much so I could be with him more.

Phew...

I don't consider myself an artsy type person, but when I get motivated to do something I usually end up going crazy with it. My blog for example. I have been attempting to keep one going for years now, and have yet to be successful, but as I said in an earlier post I am determined! There are so many other blogs that I love reading on a daily basis as I seem to be living vicariously through them. I use it as an escape from my life and the stresses that seem to be weighing me down.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately. I realized the other day that I am not happy with where I am in my life right now. I am constantly stressed, depressed and the big one, pissed off. I am mad at everything, with the exception of Logan. I know that hormones can be out of whack after you have a kid, but come on now! Go back to normal. I am not going to lie and say I didn't have these same feelings before I got pregnant, but right now that are like multiplied by 100. With everything I have been through this past year I deserve to be happy, and instead of sitting around pouting I am going to get off my butt and make it happen.

Anyway, new blog format done! It is staying like this, I will not allow myself to play with it anymore.

Growing Sprout..

My little guy is growing way to fast. I have mixed emotions about this. I am looking forward to the walking and talking stage, but also a bit concerned about it as well. A part of me wants Logan to get a little bigger and another part wants him to stay little forever. Him getting bigger also means that I am getting older, which I am not so excited about. Here is an example of my growing strout...

Sitting! We are still mastering this skill. Logan has discovered that falling over it not so much fun. Exspecially if mom got distracted by the TV and I hit something on the way down. It is amazing that you can look away for a nano second and return to a baby toppling over. Even if you are sitting with your legs around him to lessen the blow.

Crawling and walking will come next. Logan is determined to be as mobile as possible so sometimes I wonder if he will skip crawling all together.

On a side note, I am never satisfied with things I come up with. For example, my blog design. I dislike the name and the format. I will be making some changes to them and I will MAKE myself leave it like that permanently. I am on a mission to be more creative, I also want to try my hand at photography, but I am not holding my breath on that one. Most of the pictures in my blog thus far have come from Camera phones and I just did my silly little changes to them, but it's a start.

Check out this gummy grin! I really am blessed with how stinking cute my kid is. He is my heart.

What is normal anymore?

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions have gone back into place since having Logan, and other times I feel like I want to scream and pull my hair out. I wish I was a naturally happy person, but instead I feel like I am this rude crazy person who nobody wants to be around. I have my two best friends that really help balance me out, and I am always in a great mood when I am around them, but when it is just me I feel like exploding. I know there are a lot of things going on in my life that are effecting my mood, but why am I letting them? Everything, and I mean everything makes me mad or frustrated.

I used to think I was a person that never had many emotions, but I am starting to believe that I may have more then I originally thought. My main one being anger. I hate that I am mad all the time. I wish there was something I could do to be different. Sometimes I wish I were somebody else entirely. Which sounds horrible. I love my family and friends, and I love my son more then anything in the world. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but me, I would trade myself in instant. There are so many things that I need to work on and I have no idea where to start.

So Scary!

I love to watch scary movies. Even the cheesy ones. I have always been surprised at how much I like them, as when I was growing up everything scared me. Now days, it takes a really good horror movie to give me the creeps. It seems; however, that while the movie does not scare me as I am watching it, it seems to make me pretty paranoid when I start walking around dark areas of the house or when I leave for work in the morning.

This morning, for example, I left my house at about 5:45 am. My neighborhood is very quiet at this time. No interior lights are on, and I rarely ever see anybody else. I take the very short walk to my car and right as I am about to unlock it, a garage door starts opening down the alley and a car begins to pull out. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I unlocked the door so fast and dove into my car where I proceeded to lock the door behind me. Now, unless this neighbor was a crazy serial killer, my actions were pretty silly. I usually end up just giggling at my cowardness and imagine what would really happen if my scary early morning neighbor were actually a serial killer. I don't think I would stand a chance!

When I arrive at work, the lights are turned off. I am the only person who gets to work at 6 am, and am by myself until the others start trickeling in at about 8. I had asked whoever is the last to leave for the night to make sure to leave the lights on as I am always freaked out in the morning. Everyone did the standard "eye roll" but agreed. I unlock the door and proceed to take the stairs to the upper floors of our building where my office is. About halfway up, I freeze. What was that noise? I stand there for about a second so I can hear things more clearly and realize it was just the rain hitting the side of the building. Phew, that was close! Yeah, not really.

I am going to blame my recent actions on the movie "Paranormal Activity." This movie is one that gave me the creeps while watching it. I would recommend renting it, and maybe, just maybe I will start seeing more posts like this one. But until then, I am on the lookout for my next scary movie.

Bring it

My mommy site has decided to have a "Hotter then Summer Weight Loss Challenge" that I have decided to partake in. I am and I WILL suceed in losing some weight. I created the banner for everyone, and I must say, It came out awesome.

I have become obsessed with this picture editing site. I am sure there are better ones out there, but this one is free and lets me do pretty much everything I know how to. I am not really all that crafty, although I have considered possibly attempting scrap booking and photography. So we will see how that goes. I am tired of being a lazy butt when I get home from work. I want to have energy to do my laundry, take the dog for a walk, clean up the house a little. Instead, I currently get home from work, snuggle with my bean and play for a little bit, give him his bath and night time bottle and he is off to bed. Then I either watch my shows or read until I pass out around 9. I am no better on the weekends. No wonder I can't lose any weight.